Tuesday
Jul062010
The Last Airbender Rocks
Tuesday, July 6, 2010 at 02:00PM
[Editors Note: Applewood Johnson does not necessarily reflect the views of Insert-Disc, he's only here because his uncle is one of our corporate overlords]
Midnight Shamalon is an awesome director. After he did the lame Sixth Sense, he started making awesome movies like that one with that chick in the swimming pool. So obviously I went to see this movie.
Some retards called Midnight's decision to get white people in this movie as "racist" or "the dumbest things I've ever heard," but I believe these people are the idiots because they fail to see the genius in this move. Everyone knows Asians can't act, you can't argue with Google.
The Last Airbender takes the Japanime Avatar: The Last Airbender, and makes it even better. Based off of James Cameron's hit movie, Avatar, the Japanime is really weird and isn't even like that cool movie with the blue people. I find it kinda dumb that they are making a movie based off of a Japanime of a movie, but that's hollywood for ya! The Japanime is pretty lame, I watched one entire episode of it once,-- except for those 8 minutes where I went to get a snack--and I really didn't like it. Besides, it was Japanese so like the lip-syncing sucked and it was really lame and had ugly art. So the live action movie fixes all of that because obviously its better than a dumb cartoon!
The best part about this movie is that stuff just happens. They don't do that lame thing that other dumbass directors do like slow down to show you why they're doing stuff. They just do stuff! Like some princess is in love with a really lame dude, and instead of wasting our time on dumb scenes of them going on stupid dates, the narrator just tells you they're in love. They don't do any of that stupid Rocky bullshit of showing him like punch the air a lot to get better, the narrator just says Jesus can do cool shit now.
I should probably explain to you guys what the movie is about. There's this eskimo chick who finds some bald kid in an iceburg. He's magically alive because he's actually Jesus and he's going to stop Satan and his demon lizards. You see, 100 years ago, all of the countries were living in peace and picking flowers or something gay like that, but then Satan and hell decide to stop being pansies and take over the world. They kill all of the angels in heaven except Jesus, who escaped to an icebirg with his pet flying hippo.
Anyway, the eskimo chick takes Jesus back to her village with her brother and they do some gay shit for a while and then Satan's son figures out where they are! So shit goes down and they go to a temple where gay stuff happens and Jesus meets his dad, the like uber God, who is a dragon. He's kind of like a gay snake dragon instead of the cool fire breathing ones.
Oh yeah, I should probably talk about the magic powers everyone has. See, people can do really gay dances to make fire, rocks, water, and wind and grass and stuff appear. It's kind of like Captain Earth or whatever that gay-ass cartoon was called. So they do these dances and stuff appears, it looks REALLY GAY!!! I guess its still kind of cool, but if I could summon fire by doing stupid dances, I might not just not do it instead.
Anyway, they get in trouble and they get locked up with a bunch of guys who dance to make rocks appear. They're fucking idiots though, so Jesus has to tell them to get off of their asses and dance the rocks out of the way so they can escape. They're complete wusses though and it takes like 5 of them to do anything cool, but Jesus is there so he does magic stuff better.
Then Jesus gets caught by the cousin of Satan or something like that, so Satan's son is like "that's my prisoner, bitch" and kills a bunch of people to set him free. Jesus then makes it rain for 40 days and 40 nights to say thanks. Then they go to the North Pole so Santa can teach them how to make water fountains. So then the eskimo's lame-ass brother falls in love with Santa's daughter, but they don't do it because eskimo dude is so pathetic. They learn how to make waves and stuff, but then Satan attacks!
This is where the movie really screws up, because Santa and his elves don't sink the ships of satan. They're attacking on boats, dumbasses! Make a giant tidal wave and kill them all! Instead, they do some other cool stuff like freeze people in ice. Then Satan decides to kill Zeus so they can't create magic water, but it turns out Zeus is just a fish! Zeus and Hades are just two fish sitting around in some dinky pond. Talk about lame Gods. Then Satan kills Zeus and everyone gets really mad. Santa's daughter then kills herself and Zeus comes back to life. Which is too bad because she was hot.
So then God is like "HEY JESUS, YOU DUMBASS, JUST MAKE A GIANT WAVE AND SINK THEIR SHIPS!" Jesus is a wuss and just makes a big wave and then lets it down, letting Satan's army escape. I guess that's like turning the other cheek or something. Then it turns out that Satan has a daughter and she's going to try to kill Jesus in the next movie!
While the gayass dancing sucks, the fight scenes are really awesome. They have people getting set on fire, getting crushed by rocks, and all sorts of awesome. You know what made them even better? THE 3D.
The 3D in this movie is the best 3D I have ever seen. They even made it where you didn't have to wear those gay glasses, the movie looks almost the same with them off! Except the parts when they have words and bigass boats, you can just switch between having glasses and not having glasses and it looks almost exactly the same! I don't know how they made 3D without the glasses, but they did an incredible job of it. A++++ on the 3D.
The acting was pretty good too, that kid who played Jesus is almost exactly like Keanu Reaves! That guy from the Daily Show was on here too! He was just like on the Daily Show, but as Satan's nephew! I can't remember much about the other people, but I bet they were good too.
The Last Airbender is a frickin' sweet movie that everyone should see. My girlfriend wanted to see that vampire movie, Twilight, instead, but I took her to The Last Airbender instead because I have actual taste. Midnight Shamalon is a great director, possibly the greatest and will hopefully make the next 4 movies in this trilogy just as good.
Reader Comments (8)
You, Applewood Johnson. You're my FAVORITE.
Why thank you Vampt Vo, you're my favorite reader now.
Applewood Johnson's a dick.
Applewood, would this movie be better enhanced were I to bring a vuvuzela to the showing?
@Charles
Vuvuzela's make everything better, yo.
@John Greenweood
You're the dick.
>>next 4 movies in this trilogy just as good.
Goddamn, I think I love you now.
Hey, no homo Page. : /
Hoes before Bros.
its so obvious that your making fun of the movie. but i actually liked the movie.