Sophisticated Literature - The Girl Who Lived: The Philosipher's Stone Chapters 1&2

I have hit the fanfiction mother lode. A rewrite of Harry Potter starring Rose Potter, a nudist ninja girl who is also the smartest and most powerful witch in the history of forever. Also, Rose is not gay or bi at all and is perfectly straight. The narration has to remind us of this fact a lot when she starts having sensual massages in the showers with the other girls on the quidditch team. The "story" of Rose Potter goes all the way up to chapter seven of Half-Blood Prince which is when the author just abandoned the story. It is an amazing tale of plagiarism, nudity, druids, bizarre religious rituals involving stonehenge, polygamy, nudity, mary sues, and nudity.

If you want to read the full text without my comments, you can find it in the author's yahoo group. You have to be logged into your yahoo account to join the group and look at the content, this is because, and I quote: "the stories contain a lot of non-sexually orientated nudity." The word documents are contained in the Files section under the folder "Philosopher's Stone." If you value your sanity, you will never click the folder labeled "Softcore Pornography Concept sketches."

It starts out simply and innocently enough, copying exactly the original text of Harry Potter with some minor edits. A time-saving trick it repeats much of the story, just blatantly plagiarizing with some pronoun differences. A few more radical changes show up every so often though.

Dudley’s favourite punching bag had been me, until I was seven years old. As during the first year of Primary Schooling a teacher had witnessed Dudley’s attempt to catch me, and had taken me under his wing so to speak, and taught me martial arts classes every day after school. When I had a full year of classes under her belt, I got tired one day of being chased by Dudley and stood my ground. The result being that Dudley had to go to the Doctor for a cast on his arm, which I had neatly broken, it startled me that I had that much strength. By the time I was nine, not a single boy in school dared approach me, as Dudley and his gang suffered more visits to the Doctor for their attempts to beat me up. My Sensei was also befuddled at the almost unnatural strength that I showed, many punching bags had to be replaced over time.

Such as ninja training from an elementary school teacher. This sensei didn't just teach her how to put other children in the hospital though, he also taught her of the way's of life and some minor easy to understand philosophy about switching between first and third person in the middle of sentences.

It disgusted me that Dudley was spoiled so much, when I was younger I was jealous, but that faded as my Sensei taught me the way’s of life and some minor easy to understand philosophy. Dudley was a spoiled little brat, who had absolutely no appreciation for the luxury his life had. You only had to look at television news to see starving children in war torn countries for that.

Mostly though, he taught her how to frighten and hospitalize small children who haven't had the pleasure of being taught to maim over slight grievances.

He shot me a nasty grin through the gap in his mother’s arms. I merely placed my small fist on the table and cracked my knuckles threateningly while glaring at Dudley.

This is all taught for and used in self defense of course.

My jaw clenched in anger, all it would take would be one flat palm strike to Uncle Vernon’s nose and he would be booking time at the Plastic surgeon. But if my Sensei had instilled one virtue in me, then it was to always use the arts for self-defence only. I took a deep breath and calmed my anger and mind, letting it go ‘as water splashing off my back’ I recited the mantra in my mind.

Essentially, Rose is one step away from being a crazy ninja killer. So ninja girl and her foster family go to the zoo, but Rose is no dummy.

. I was careful to walk a little way apart from the Dursleys so that Dudley and Piers, who were starting to get bored with the animals by lunch time, so I would be ready if they lapsed into a regression and decide to – try - and hit me.

I assume if they so much as moved their bodies near her, she would count it as an attack and kill them in self-defense.

Then we have the snake scene in which Rose uses her acute ninja reflexes to roll out of the way when Dudley tries to get to the snake exhibit. She also uses her acute ninja mind to not laugh at him. Then the actual Harry Potter plot again tries to resume as chapter one concludes.

We pick up again in chapter two with the text being slightly edited from the actual book because our dear author is too lazy to write anything himself. Yes, the author is male, this is especially surprising given how much misandry there is throughout the story. Anyway, it continues on with Dudley getting ready to go to Smeltings and Rose "feigning sarcasm" while talking to Aunt Petunia. Then Rose gets her letter from Hogwarts and the actual Harry Potter story is kicked to the curb to make room for ninja action.

I was at the point of unfolding her letter, but with lightening quick reflexes shoved it down my shirt, before Uncle Vernon could snatch it out of my hand. I should have known that this would happen. That they would try to deprive me of the only letter I had ever gotten in my life; my only hope. It took one look to know that Uncle Vernon would not stop until he had the letter, his grubby sausage like hands were encroaching on my personal space, and I was sure he was not above ripping my baggy shirt off to get the letter, never mind that I didn’t even have a bra on underneath.

Vernon was a man with a mission: get that letter. Unfortunately for him, Rose is a ninja, and in her screwed up mind she has been attacked allowing her to defend herself. "Defend herself" being code for "go insane and assault people."

I instantly fell into a balanced stance with my side to Uncle Vernon, my arms tucked in and protecting my rib cage while my hands were ready around my face, ready to deflect, and strike back. With a surge of adrenaline, my mind slipped into Void. Void was a term my Sensei used to describe a state of awareness which was all encompassing, it allowed you to see everything that was happening around you all at once and time slowed to a snails pace, at least, it was that way for me.

Did I mentions she can use the force channel Saidar slip into the void?

Uncle Vernon’s hand was almost ready to grab me, when I used the outside of my right hand to deflect the encroaching limb’s path to move past me to the right, my left leg came forward to stand behind my Uncle’s legs and with a snap my left flat palm hit his elbow while I pulled his hand toward me. I could not hear the sickening crack as Uncle Vernon’s arm was grotesquely broken, but from the expression of pain on his chubby face I could imagine how this hurt.

She broke Vernon's arm. Because he tried to grab a piece of paper. I'm not sure if this is awesome or stupid.

I noticed that Dudley had come from behind and was intent to use his Smeltings stick on me. In Void, it took almost five seconds from my perspective for the stick to surge downward, intent on hitting me in the back of the head. I twisted easily out of the way and was now behind Uncle Vernon. The expression of horror on Dudley’s face as he totally missed his target and hit his own father on the forehead was absolutely hilarious.

Dudley did not have long to contemplate events as his father fell to the floor, unconscious. I had considered that attempted hit with the Smeltings stick an attack on my person, even though it had clearly missed. I rushed forward and hit Dudley with a flat palm strike directly in the sternum. Dudley gasped as all the air was forcibly expelled from his lungs, and he flew backwards off his feet and crumpled against the wall, joining his father in the land of nod.

Rose, at first content to merely take joy in the pain of Uncle Vernon as he lays there, arm broken, realizes that Dudley did try to hurt her, meaning she can do anything to him and still be morally justified. That is how it works.

I turned around and let go of the Void. I did not have to worry about my Aunt Petunia. She was white as a sheet and still seated in the chair at the kitchen table, staring in fear and horror at me.

Luckily for Petunia she is frozen with fright at the sight of her eleven year old niece breaking her husbands arm and brutally assaulting her son. She gets to keep her legs.

I was still operating on a surge of adrenaline and could only think of one thing to do. It was clear that I could not stay here anymore, when the two Dursley males woke up, I would not put it past them to call the police or social services and have me taken away. They would make up some story about how I had just gone insane and assaulted them, and I knew the police would believe them and not me, no one did.

Gee, where would they get that crazy cover story from?

Rose then runs across the street to Mrs. Figg to tell her of what just happened. Mrs. Figg then immediately calls Dumbledore and tells him of the horrible abuse Rose has faced at the hands of the family she just hospitalized. As Rose waits for McGonagall to show up and rescue her from this horrible house of abuse, she begins to meditate.

It startled me when I was interrupted out of my rolling green landscapes of solace, by my name being called. It seemed like it was coming from miles away, and then in a rush the world of my mind vanished and I fell to the floor on my rear. I snapped open my eyes in furious irritation and looked around for who had interrupted my peaceful world back to the harsh reality that contained the cruel Dursleys.

A tall, black haired woman in emerald green robes stood next to Mrs Figg. Both had a startled look of astonishment on their faces. The only thing on my mind was to vent my irritation.

“What’s the big idea?” I snapped, rubbing my sore back. “You don’t just yell someone out of meditative state, its dangerous, not to mention that I stop hovering.” The woman’s lips thinned into a stern line and I was clearly left with the impression that this was not someone to cross.

Until McGonagall makes her stop hovering. Rose is then told of her family history and that the Dursley's knew all along that she was a witch. After threats to break Vernon's other arm,

“In that case if I ever return to Number Four, I shall break Uncle Vernon’s other arm, as they never told me what I am,” I said in a hard, unwavering voice, “I was constantly punished for anything odd happening.” Professor McGonagall’s mouth had thinned even more. “How did my parents die?”

and Mrs. Figg stealing some of movie Hagrid's lines,

“CAR CRASH!” exclaimed Mrs Figg incredulously. “How could a car crash kill Lily and James Potter? It’s an outrage! Rose Potter does not know her own life history, when every kid in our world knows it and her name!”

the chapter comes to a close with more exposition stolen from the book. But there is one interesting addition:

“What’s the Ministry’s main function?” I asked, thinking of a wizarding version of the Muggle government.

“Their main task is to keep our existence a secret from Muggles as there are still witches and wizards everywhere.”

“But why hide ourselves?” I asked.

“Imagine the chaos we would find ourselves in, all the Muggles would want to come to us for magical solutions to their problems. No, we’re best left alone,” said McGonagall.

We can't let the muggles know about us! They'd ask us to do menial tasks for them! Nice to know the wizards in the world of Rose Potter are such wonderful people.

That was the first two chapters of The Girl Who Lived's version of The Philosipher's Stone. Quite amazing, is it not? Tune in next week to see...

They walked back up the alley, and I blinked as I experienced the same effect as outside the Leaky Cauldron. McGonagall showed me to a shop that I would never have seen otherwise. But judging from the people walking past it, its hidden effects were confined to wizards. Only witches could see the shop. But I had to stop my mouth from dropping to the floor. In curvy silvery script above the door to the shop was: Victoria’s Secret.

Comments

[Auhin]

Hilarious.

[Ben]

Where is the rest of the review?