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Warning: This movie will be much more disturbing than the usual I Don’t Even fare. I personally wasn’t that grossed out by it, but it involves three people being stitched together to form a human centipede by a mad scientist. If this sounds disturbing to you, you may want to pass on this week.

This week’s I Don’t Even is a medical drama with total accuracy. It stars a crazy German scientist doctor guy who enjoys sewing, dogs, and his pet centipede. His assistants include 2 annoying tourists from America and a random Japanese guy he found at a bar. Their wacky adventures are fun for all* ages.

Also this movie has the best chase scene of all time.

So show up at 10 Eastern/9 Central for THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE. It will be a doozy.

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As I am sure most of you know, little girls in seinen is far from unusual. The entire moe genre is built around this concept. When reading about Yotsuba, you may get the impression that is falls into the same category as series such as Hidamari Sketch, Ichigo Marshmallow, or Kamichu. Those three series are all very cutesy series starring a cast of cutesy girls, but all have an unmistakable element of appealing to the otaku audience. Despite its target demographic, Yotsuba does not come off as a seinen-series protagonist in the way that those characters do. The average little girl in these series is portrayed in a way that fairly unrealistic and idealized; the emphasis is on aligning with various traits of moe appeal. Neither is she like the typical young girl protagonist from shoujo series. Cardcaptor Sakura, Shugo Chara, and Full Moon wo Sagashite reveal other archetypes that are just far away from Yotsuba- if more relatable to their target audience of young girls. Yotsuba is realistically portrayed and comparable to a real little girl. Her quirky personality makes her just as interesting and charming as her “moe-moe” peers, but as a grade-A otaku I never feel like I am being pandered to in the slightest while reading Yotsuba&!. Despite that, she has become one of my favourite manga characters and I would like for more characters to be approached in this way.

Yotsuba&! is more than atmosphere

When I read reviews and impressions of the series, the focus is usually on the charm and uplifting feeling that comes with reading it. The humour aspect is mentioned, but usually less emphasized than its cathartic and joyous worldview. While this aspect of Yotsuba&! is a clearly evident and integral element, it is much more comedy-centric that, say, Aria. The series is completely saturated with humour, and you may be laughing as much as smiling. The humour is not the random comedy of Azumanga Daioh, or the awkward Japanese comedy where the punchline is literally a punch. The humour is Yotsuba&! is not always subtle, but far from ridiculously over the top like much manga/anime. It is a very grounded and earnest comedy that is derived from character interaction. I find Yotsuba&! to be significantly more amusing than a lot of anime/manga comedies, but more important is that the comedy is distinct.

Yotsuba is not the only character that matters

While the situations generally revolve around the titular character, the other cast members are much more than just background support. The rest of the characters are very important not only to interact with Yotsuba, but as endearing personalities on their own. When I ask children their favourite characters, the neighbor girls tend to get nearly as much love as Yotsuba herself. Jumbo, Yanda, and Mr. Koiwai are also likable characters that add significantly to the enjoyment. It is not just Yotsuba that makes the series Yotsuba&!, but plenty others as well.

Yotsuba is not technically deficient

Readers of Azumanga Daioh will be in for something very different with Yotsuba&!. The art in Azumanga Daioh was rarely much more than simplistic character drawing against black background in a 4-koma format. In Yotsuba&!, Azuma’s recognizable character designs are strengthened and supported by detailed scenery on each page. The most impressive aspect of his artwork is the character expressions; Azuma can portray a lot of emotion through exaggerated expressions that are less obnoxious than the typical manga “silly chibi face”. Yotsuba&! shows off Azuma’s skills in a way that Azumanga Daioh never did, and the energy and fun of the series is well displayed.

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Ideally, I was able to clear up some issues that the readers may have been wondering about before embarking onto their Yotsuba&! journey. I recommend Yotsuba&! to everyone- I have always found it to be a work that draws in readers of all ages and tastes. I personally know cutesy and slice of life haters who have managed to fall in love with this series. The school year has recently started, and a whole new group of young students are getting to read Yotsuba&! for the first time in my mother’s elementary classroom. I have always felt particularly enthusiastic over introducing this series to others, and my hope is that the Yotsuba&! MMF will be able to bring in more readers or encourage established fans to be thinking about the series again.

To end this article, here is a picture I took of my Yotsuba action figure but with a robot arm. If this article ends up being really lame, at least this picture concludes it on a high note.

Ever since Jaws took the world by storm, people have been making rip-off shark attack movies like Jaws 3-D or Jaws: The Revenge. This is one of the more famous ones because it’s incredibly bad in amazing ways. Featuring the now famous John Barrowman, this movie features sharks, rich douchebags, and cunnilingus.

Tune in this Wednesday at 10 eastern/9 Central to watch Shark Attack 3: MEGALODON

Click here for a direct link to the playlist

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Knuckles’ Chaotix

This is a game I had never played before, and I almost wish I had kept it that way. The concept is different for Sonic and one I feel hasn’t ever really been done well. A simultaneous co-op platformer seems like a good idea that very few games try. New Super Mario Bros. Wii does it all right as long as you stick to only two players and don’t mind killing each other by accident on the many tiny platforms you have to navigate in the later levels. Little Big Planet doesn’t really have a problem in the co-op portion, it’s just a terrible platformer. Aside from those two games though, there really aren’t any major games that try this. (Please prove me wrong in the comments if you can, I would love to play a good co-op platformer.)

Knuckles’ Chaotix solves the common problem of keeping both characters on the screen at once by physically attaching them. This is done by using a ring with a long chain made of magic rubber that can be used in a variety of ways. One character can stand still while the other stretches it out in order to launch themselves with it. That’s basically the only useful trick outside of yanking characters up through platforms. What it boils down to is you both run right a lot, stopping to launch yourselves when you slow down too much. This isn’t the gameplay’s fault so much as the level design.

The level design in Chaotix is absolutely atrocious. You are either going straight or going through the same boring loops. Nothing interesting ever happens in Chaotix, and I couldn’t make it all the way through the game. It was so dull I put off writing this entry for months. I just couldn’t bring myself to finish it. After playing the game, I no longer mind that it wasn’t included in Sonic Gems Collection. I wouldn’t even recommend trying out the game to see what it’s like.

Sonic Spinball

I really don’t have much to say about Spinball, it was an interesting idea, but it’s not a very good game. Basically, someone looked at the pinball sections of the real Sonic games and thought, “That could be a full game.” Sadly, being a full game does not help it any. It’s not bad, but it’s not good either.

Doctor Robotnik’s Mean Bean Machine

It’s Puyo Puyo Pop with Sonic Characters. It’s a good competitive match 4 puzzle game with a very hard single player mode. It also includes characters from the Sonic cartoon. It’s a fun game, just not remotely original.

Sonic Drift

It’s Pole Position, but with a few power-ups. Also Sonic. Also somehow even more boring.

Tails’ Sky Patrol

A really boring and slowly moving shmup starring Tails. Never play this game.

Tails’ Adventure

This one is actually kind of fun. It’s a light Metroidvania with one rather annoying mechanic. The game is split into 12 levels and you can only bring 4 of your items into each level. This can get very irritating when you have to memorize what items are needed to get past a specific portion of one path in the level. Despite this, it is a fun little game. Probably the best spin-off for the Game Gear. It’s worth a play sometime.

Sonic Labyrinth

Terrible does not begin to describe Sonic Labyrinth. It’s an isometric puzzle/platformer/pinball thing that is incredibly dull and frustrating. I do not know how anyone thought this was a good game.

Sonic Drift 2

Remember what I said about Sonic Drift? This is exactly that, but with different characters.

That’s Knuckles’ Chaotix and a bunch of spin-off games. Most are depressingly bad, but Mean Bean Machine is at least fun and Tails’ Adventure is pretty good. The only other one I would ever recommend playing is Sonic Spinball, but that isn’t even that great. Tune in next time as I begin talking about Sonic‘s early forays into 3D.

I love this movie, it’s so bad. Okay yeah, we all know this is that movie with the powerglove and Super Mario Bros. 3 and breast touching. But it’s much more than that, it’s the movie with truckers named Spanky and the Nintendo tipline and dinosaurs.

So tune in this Wednesday at 10 Eastern/9 Central to see the nerd classic The Wizard.

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We’re back, and after a month long break, we suck. So be prepared for that. We talk about Scott Pilgrim, random things, a fanfic, and that’s about it. So listen and be glad the Ben & Arthur movie poster is no longer a giant image on the front page of the site.

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I consider this movie to be worse than The Room. Let that sink in for a moment. The Room was better than this. The acting, special effects, music, and writing are bad even compared to The Room.

Ben & Arthur, from Sam Mraovich Productions, is a Sam Mraovich film that stars Sam Mraovich. Cinematography is handled by the genius Sam Mraovich while editing is done by the always talented Sam Mraovich. The film’s brilliant musical score was edited by Sam Mraovich as well. Casting was handled by none other than Sam Mraovich who really chose the right 16 people for this movie (that count includes the extras). Famous producer Sam Mraovich also worked on this film with the critically acclaimed executive producer Sam Mraovich. But it is Sam Mraovich‘s directing that really brings the screenplay by Sam Mraovich together.

Ben & Arthur tells the story of Ben and Arthur, two gay men in, what we’re told is, a healthy relationship. They plan on getting married, but Arthur’s religious brother, Victor, has other ideas. Victor and his karma-believing Catholic church are afraid that Arthur’s gayness might infect the children and send them straight to hell, so an intern at a private investigating firm is hired to look into what Arthur’s next move is. Thus wacky hijinks and domestic abuse ensue in 2002′s feel-good movie of the year.

Join us at 10 PM Eastern, 9 PM Central for Ben & Arthur!

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This weekend marks the 78th Comic Market festival japan, during which thousands of otaku converge on the Tokyo Big Sight centre and buy scads upon scads of doujin (amateur-made) goods.
Among these is my most anticipated item – a new Touhou game starring the fan-favorite ice fairy Cirno as the protagonist. As far as I can understand from the first translations, Cirno has had her house destroyed and goes off to beat up those she considers responsible, the three Mischievous Fairies.

For a quick catch-up for the uninitiated, Touhou games are a series of vertical scrolling shooters modelled on the “Bullet Hell” model, famed for their good music, challenging gameplay, and obscenely large cast of quirky female characters.

The game is not considered a “Main line” touhou game, and so have a number of interesting gameplay tweaks to provide a different experience, most notable of which being Cirno’s ability to freeze bullets. By charging up an attack, Cirno can create an ice shield around herself that can freeze bullets it touches, turning them to ice. Any bullet touching this ice will also freeze, and so if you are clever about it you can freeze all bullets on screen, or at the very least prevent you from experiencing an embarrassing death. After a short while the ice shatters, removing the bullets and hopefully giving you some breathing room.

A noticeable difference from other touhou games is that there are only three stages to the game, however the non-boss sections of the game have been greatly beefed up, making reaching a boss a real achievement in itself. Unless you play on easy mode like a baby. The re-playability for the game comes in providing three “routes” for the main game, changing the order that you fight the three different bosses depending on which route you take. Then there is the Extra Stage and its final boss, which from watching streams looks to be great fun if keyboard breakingly crazy.

But nevermind all that – is the game fun? I say yes. The obscene density of bullets the game throws at you at times can feel inhuman and frightening, but that fright quickly turns to joy as you execute a well timed freeze and watch the entire screen cover in ice. The game constantly rewards you for playing well, giving you stronger bullets, bombs and lives as you get the hang of the freezing mechanic. The fewer bosses in the game means that each of them has a lot more character to their attacks, especially as you can fight each of them at different times, thus adjusting their difficulty. Personally, while the moon-themed boss, “Luna Child” is a complete cake walk when you fight her first she becomes a demon if you play a route where she is the final boss. The fact that the stages themselves are challenging instead of feeling like filler is also very welcome.

There are also numerous small tweaks to the game’s presentation and mechanics as well which don’t sound very big but are nice changes. Boss life bars are now a circular ring around the boss in question, making it easier to see when a break in the bullet deluge is coming. Lives are no longer discrete, but run on a percentage system called “Courage”. Every time Cirno eats a bullet she loses 100% courage – if you don’t have 100% to lose then you get a visit from your good friend the “You are dead Continue Yes/No” screen. Bombs and bullet power are earned through normal gameplay, particularly the successful freezing of large areas on the screen.

Will this be the first Touhou game that I manage to complete on Normal? Probably not. Am I have oodles and oodles of fun playing it nonetheless? Yep.

Bonus Video:
TH12.8 Touhou Great Fairy War First attempt

Okay, this is my first attempt at Great Fairy War. I suck at it.

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Elliot Page is a British writer and podcaster who serves the queen and eats his biscuits like a good little red coat. Elliot has a couple articles in the upcoming Insert-Disc gaming magazine, including an overview of the Touhou series.

What do you get when you mix weird Christian elements, the Mayan myths about the end of days, and terrible acting? If you guessed a really bad movie attempting to cash in on a really annoying trend of 2012 disaster movies, you’d be correct! Thrill as characters have poorly written discussions about the afterlife while the world’s core stops spinning. (Yes, this is the Core all over again, but with less action.)

The embed isn’t working, so click here for the Youtube playlist.

Press playall when we are ready to begin so that the next part autostarts. We won’t be stopping at each part, we’re just going straight through. It seemed to work well enough last time so we’re doing it again.

Tune in at 10 PM Eastern/9 Central to see 2012: Doomsday.

The movie is also avaliable on Netflix Instant Streaming

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I myself cosplayed on Saturday as Ginko from Mushishi, which can be seen in the gallery. Whenever I was asked to have my photo taken, I wanted to make the shot as best I could by removing my glasses and badge. I really hate having the convention badge in almost every photo, so I went ahead and stuck in my pocket or had my companions hold it.

Otakon 2010 Gallery on Flickr

I have added description to about the first half of the photos and am continuing to do so. Many characters are unlabeled, and if you know the name then please let me know. If I took a picture of you, I would love to have you comment saying so.

Vertical Inc. Panel

Ed Chavez and Felipe Smith, aided by intern Ko Ransom (Welcome Datacomp), presented an endearingly deadpan panel compared to the overly enthusiastic and flashy presentation by FUNimation. It was a low-key event where they introduced their recent and future releases, including Chi’s Sweet Home, Peepo Choo, Black Jack, Twin Spica, Ayako, 7 Billion Needles, and Lychee Light Club. In addition to manga, they mentioned upcoming Sudoku, cookbooks, craft books, and novels.

The Vertical Inc panel actually began with the uplifting news that the company has been doing better, and went into 2010 with a growth of eighteen percent. The panel concluded with a Q&A session where the audience enthusiastically asked questions about possible licenses from exactly the kind of well-read audience associated with Vertical. Ed then asked us a couple questions. He asked if we have been seeing more Vertical titles in bookstores; I responded that despite having trouble even getting my South Texas B&N to order me To Terra before, ever since around the release of MW my local store has been well stocked.

Felipe Smith was a cool guy and it was interesting to hear from a Western mangaka who lived in Japan and had it published there before the Western release. He introduced the series and explained some of its themes.

Anyone who follows Vertical_Ed on twitter knows how open the company is with fan relations and often reveals specific and interesting details on what is going on. This was just as present at the panel, where frank details and fan interaction keeps it entertaining and less manufactured than other company panels. Its true that I have read live tweets from the panels many times in the past, but being present at the Vertical Inc panel was very entertaining and I would love to attend in the future.

Madhouse

I had been really looking forward to Masoa Maruyama’s Madhouse presentation and was not at all disappointed. The bulk of the actual panel was spent viewing trailers and introducing new shows. The highlight was confirmation of Redline’s upcoming US distribution, accompanied by an exciting trailer and facts on the 6 year long Redline production.

The Q&A session was even more interesting, as the audience was full of questions. Maruyama was very responsive to questions and would give detailed answers when necessary while humouring even the most inane fanboy queries. Maruyama is a really cool guy who reveals a lot of interesting views on the company and series they work on, while being humourous about things and not taking the panel too seriously. The Madhouse panel was extremely interesting, and I was glad to see a reasonably large crowd and enthusiastic audience. I wanted to ask a question, so I inquired about the possibility of Trava Fist Planet (set in the same world as Redline) being released alongside Redline or as an extra. As expected, there are no plans at this time.

FUNimation

A fan favourite event, the FUNimation panel was presented in a much larger room with an immense line. I inquired if press go to line’s front and received an “I dunno” in response. I took my seat amongst my fellow congoers and logged into pictochat as I had noticed a few other Nintendo DSs nearby. The chat room discussion was concerning how obnoxious the Hetalia fans were being and relief that they were currently attending something else. After a few minutes, a horde of squealing fangirls exited a room and suddenly the noise once again saturated the area. Pictochat again filled with annoyed commentary on the Hetalia fandom.

The FUNimation panel itself was made into a major event with giant screens showing flashy trailer for series such as My Bride is a Mermaid (looks interesting) , Hetalia (imagine the squee), Master of Rumble Hearts (mmm sophisticated -_-), and others. The two fan highlights were the announcements of the second EVA movie and Summer Wars. Most people know what a huge fan I am of Hosoda and Summer Wars so this was easily my most exciting convention announcement.

The panel itself though, did not really amaze me. While online FUNi has proven to be very interested in fandom involvement, it lacked the delightful openness of Vertical Inc and Madhouse. The presentation was too over-the-top for my liking and felt too much liked canned PR. Unlike the previous panels, I didn’t see much benefit over just reading the announcements over twitter. They did have a good Q&A session at the end that addressed some interesting questions.

Gothic Lolita Fashion Show

Yes, I went to this. Shut up. This event took place in the same room as FUNimation’s, with a long runway for the models to walk down. The room was darkened with lights shining down along the length of the runway. I was unsure what freedoms press had for photographs, so I looked around to see what others were doing. A large group was sitting on the floor close at the front with cameras ready. Before it started, a otakon staff member told the group to take seats unless you are press. “Yes, ma’am” I responded as I stayed due to my badge. A few minutes later, another staff member told us all to disperse. After another pacifistic “yes, sir” I took a front row seat waiting just behind me.

The show was divided up into each designer who presented a series models wearing their designs. The girls would walk down, pausing for photos a couple times each before walking back behind the curtain. Photographing these ladies was quite a challenge for myself, whose normal photography focuses on still subjects such as industrial scenes and anime figures. After taking a shot, my camera spends a good bit processing before I can snap another. I was able to get about two photos per model while experimenting how to most effectively capture the fleeting subjects on the spot.

The fashion show was tastefully done and maintained its focus on the topic. The presentation went by smoothly, aside from sound issues. When the music was playing it was too loud to also hear the speakers; also they kept running into audio problems where the music would disappear.
After the show, the designers all came onto the stage wearing one of their outfits to answer questions from excited young girls. Amid questions about dresses and sewing and such, I was taking the opportunity to take a handful of pictures now that they were still.

Overall, it was a well done event that attracted quite a large crowd. While no one cares about my opinions on ladies fashions, I found the bulk of the outfits quite cute, though a few pieces were a bit out there for my taste. I’ll have more details on specific examples when I develop my photos soon.

Saturday-

The Changing Faces of Anime

This panel was run by my rival Evan Minto (Ani-Gamers), who put on a solid show. The crowd was not huge, but still filled quite a few seats considering it is a non-silly, non-industry panel at 9:30 am. You would have to be really interested to make your way over here after staying up late for all the “after hours” convention fun. As the title suggests, Minto described how the character designs in anime have progressed and what influences lead to different styles and phases. His topic was obviously well researched as he described gekiga or Otomo. After making his disdain for moe obvious, he narrowly avoided my rocket punch from the back row by mentioning that moe is not necessarily of sexual intent. Good save, my friend.

I really enjoyed the panel, and learned a few things myself from the analysis of earlier years. Minto is a good speaker who kept the panel flowing and engaging. The audience laughed at some of his jokes, and many seemed to really get into it. Afterwords, he took a few questions from the audience and there was some interesting post-panel discussion. Amusingly, he told me later that someone mentioned that he would make a good podcaster.

Minto could not remember the name of the author of Tekkonkinkreet, so I came up to announce it at the end. I write this, and my other involvements mentioned earlier, so that anyone interested can think “Oh I remember that guy”. The Changing Faces of Anime was a good, informative panel that I find much more refreshing than such inane topics as how one might be able to become a ninja and/or samurai within the panel’s 1 hour duration.

Welcome to the Space Show

This was easily my otakon schedule highlight for two reasons. Most importantly is that watching film premiers along with my cartoon comrades seems to really fullfill what an animation convention is all about, in an era where the proliferation of availability has caused the actual watching of anime to fall lower into a con’s priorities. Secondarily, though, as a huge fan of Kamichu I was extremely excited to see what the team was going to unveil next. The hilariously engrish trailer had captured my attention quite a while ago. I loved the movie, but am saving details for an upcoming audio recording.

Touhou

If not for my press pass sending me to the beginning of the line, I would not have been able to attend the Touhou panel at all. Now, I realized that the fandom is quite large, but I certainly did not expect it to draw the large crowd that it did. Admittedly, I felt a bit awkward cutting to the front while devoted Touhou cosplayers were left outside as the panel room became full. The line outside was so intent on attending, that many remained after the doors closed in the hopes that someone would leave and open another seat.

Before the panel began, the screens in front showed the games as the panelists set their gamepads up to play with it. During this waiting period, a man behind me was giving commentary through amusing rap lines. The one that left the most impression was the line prophesying that the entire panel would consist of just watching them play the game. For the first several minutes, this actually seemed to be the case. First they introduced the games by showing a couple off, and then asked an unfamiliar member of the audience to try playing the game for the first time. The audience clapped when he weaved through tight spots and made vocalized sympathies when he took damage. I am told that around this time a couple guys left, angrily, and started shouting to those waiting outside that the panel is nothing but playing the game and not even on a hard difficulty.

It was an interesting panel all around. The panelists would describe ZUN’s related works or the immensity of the doujin scene, but with enough brevity to leave outsiders confused and fans feeling like they already knew that. The entire thing was all over the place, but still managed to be a lot of fun. I can’t say that I really got a lot of information out of it, but the spirit of touhou fan camaraderie was very present and the panelists were good-humoured and entertaining. I liked how one guy (apologies for forgetting everyone’s name) had a bunch of physical doujinshi to show off and the other dude sampled from the large variety of music fan arrangements. I was delighted to see that he ended it with a favourite oddity of mine- the remix that combines Touhou’s Native Faith and The Beatle’s Come Together.

I had a good time at this panel and admit to bringing along my Reimu plushie to accompany me. It was also nice getting so many of the Touhou cosplayers together so that I was able to get a few photos in without stalking them all over the convention. I appreciate the emphasis on appealing to existing fans, but I believe that the panel could benefit greatly by tightening its focus a bit.

Sunday-

I spent most of Sunday taking cosplay photos and taking one last stroll through the dealer’s room. The only thing I attended was half of Dubs That Time Forgot, but decided to exit the convention before the entire crowd had the same idea and was leaving at once. as my first convention of such scale, I was overwhelmed by the things to do and felt like I didn’t accomplish half the panels that I should have. I was happy with what I attended though, and had a very fulfilling weekend.

I wouldn’t call myself a veteran seeing as this year was only my third Otakon but I have to say that year over year I just become more and more impressed with them. One of the first things that pops into my mind thinking about Otakon 2010 is just how well managed it was. They were able to keep things under control with so many people there so well. It is even more impressive when you think about the fact that the con is run completely by volunteers. You could tell how well they had things under control from the beginning. They used a new printed barcode system for allowing people to pick up their badges and it made the whole process so much easier. On thursday night when I arrived I expected a huge line but was able to walk right up to the badge pickup and be out of there in less than five minutes. That is something that doesn’t happen at small cons. Let alone one with nearly 30 thousand people at it.

Speaking of the attendance I think the fact that there were 30 thousand people there and it didn’t ever feel too insanely crowded was really wild. They had so much going on and everything was so well spread out between the convention center and the Hilton that people were everywhere. That isn’t to say that it wasn’t packed in the hallways, it is always packed in the hallways, but it still felt like I could get places. The one time that you truly had a sense of how many people were there was when the fire alarm was pulled on Saturday.

Thanks to the Reverse Thieves for the pic!

Otakon really impressed me this year. I wasn’t expecting things to go over as smoothly as they did. Otakon has a reputation for not getting everything really planned out till the last minute and I was nervous because of this. They met and exceeded my expectations and I was thrilled by this.

If you want to track us down keep an eye on our Twitter feeds as that is where we will be rambling on about all the stupid stuff we are going to be doing this weekend. You can find all of us on there. Along with that our friend and contributor Charles from www.studyofanime.com is going to be running three really awesome panels Modern Mythology, Dead Like Us, and Worlds of Miyazaki.

We are all really excited and hope you guys are too. GET HYPE!

This week in a very special I Don’t Even, we watch what is perhaps the most scientifically inaccurate movie of all time: The Core. In a world where the earth’s core stops spinning, a group of terranauts must defy almost every law of physics as they try to restart it by just setting off nuclear explosions in the earth’s core. No, this does not make any sense at all. The problems caused by the lack of spinning from the earth’s core range from pacemakers stopping in a 12 block radius and one city having birds attack people.

Tune in this wednesday at 10 eastern/9 central to watch.

Link to video

The movie is also avaliable on Netflix Instant Streaming

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I was prepared to ignore the film entirely when I heard about it. I had taken my fill of spy thrillers years ago, culminating in the horrible disaster that was “Ballistic: Ecks vs Sever.” Yes, I did watch “Mission Impossible 3,” and the last two Bond films, but I skipped all the “Bourne” movies, and lost interest in “Burn Notice,” mostly because I felt that the spy trend has run it’s course and there was nothing new they could possibly wring out of it. (That, and I was drawn to “MI:3” and Bond for their acting and plot, less than their cliches.)

I went to see “Salt” after seeing a bunch of glowing reviews calling it a solid summer film, action packed and whatnot. I’ve been a bit deprived on that front for a while now, and I had a free night, so I figured “why not?” And after the film had ended, I came away with a feeling of satisfaction and anticipating what they would do next (because they set up for sequels, as they always do).

“Salt” follows a few days in the life of Evelyn Salt, an agent at the CIA. After a setup where we see her rescue from a North Korean detention center, we find her married to one of her field contacts and preparing for her anniversary. What happens next is pure spy cliche- she is “outed” during an interview with a Russian defector, told she was abducted as a young girl, trained to kill mercilessly and transplanted to the US, where she is to get a job working in intelligence and wait for her orders to perform some wicked deed, in this case killing the Russian President. Salt denies all this, then goes on the run, evading CIA, Secret Service, NYPD and a whole mess of others, including her partner and friend, played by a somewhat monotone Leiv Schreiber, while looking for her suddenly missing husband. What happens next would be spoiling to reveal, so I will stop here, because if this isn’t enough to get you interested, then this is not the movie for you.

Much like the Bond films, this one is replete with car chases, explosions, headshots, whole-scale slaughter and a ton of Russians. Evelyn Salt is a “super agent” of death, dispatching all comers with guns, grenades and explosives. She can do anything, break into any place, avoid all detection, escape from any confinement- she is essentially perfect, not unlike James Bond, Jason Bourne, or Michael Westen, and she inspires terror in the hearts of everyone against her. Implausible yes, cliche definitely, but also expertly done. Despite rehashing every spy movie trend of the last 50 years, the movie never feels like a retread, never moves along slowly, and keeps the suspense going for the entirety of its 90 minute run. Flashbacks are interspersed at crucial junctions, highlighting the life Salt knew and showing how she got to this point, with everyone against her.

For her part, Jolie is very competent, channeling a lot from her “Tomb Raider” days into Salt’s resourcefulness and skill in combat styles of all types. She spends a lot of the movie haggard, which is a welcome change of pace from the usual elegance she seems to ooze. The one downside is her facial expressions- they never change. No matter what she is doing, or to whom, or whatever thew situation, Salt always smirks knowingly, teasingly, giving off more than a bit of arrogance. It leads to the character being very one-track at times, and severs a lot of her emotion. While we root for her when she is in a tight spot, she never feels truly worthy of our empathy, rather we root for her “Macguyver-like” skills in improvisation and quick thinking, likely wishing we could perform the way she does, even knowing that it would be physically impossible to do so.

But if one can suspend their disbelief for a moment, they will find “Salt” to be a wonderful diversion from a lot of the usual summer fare, despite it being “typical summer fare” itself. But in a season dominated by Predators, Airbenders, Dreamwalkers and a whole lot of 3D, Salt stands out as an action film, wrapped in suspense and full of questions. Who is Salt indeed?

For those uninitiated into the fandom, a “Predator” is a hulking monster of an alien whose sole point in existing seems to be hunting and killing for the thrill. Sporting greasy, reptilian dreads and a snarl only a mother would love, and armed with wrist blades, a wicked collapsible naginata, shoulder-mounted plasma cannon, cloaking device, and the ability to see in multiple visible spectra, the Predators embody the very essence of the killing machine, wrapped up in mountains of “cool.” Needless to say, the movie was a bona fide hit, and added to Ah-nuld’s status as the premiere action hero of his day.

Fast forward 23 years, and the latest “installment” in the series, aptly titled “Predators,” takes the series away from some of it’s more colorful modern settings, and places it back where it all began, in the jungle. The previous three or four outings in the series saw the monsters relocated to LA, where they stalked Danny Glover (but we don’t talk about that one) and then to deep space, where they engaged in brutal combat with the xenomorphs from the “Alien” films. While entertaining, those movies were pure fandom fluff, spawned by the wickedly popular crossovers of the 90s and 00s comic book revolution. That’s not to say that this one is not. In fact, “Predators” continues the trend right where the last “Aliens vs Predator” left off, full of mindless action and horrid dialogue, but still having elements of the same cool it did way back when, just heavily diluted.

Let’s get this out of the way first: there is no plot. There is a setup- eight people are plucked from their real world lives, and awaken in a freefall over a strange planet. Each one represents the “ultimate predator” on their world: there are cartel enforcers, yakuza, IDF, African death squad mercenaries, serial killers, Morpheus and Adrien Brody. And they gradually come to understand they are in some sort of game preserve, where they are hunted by a trio of the Predators, from which the movie takes its name. That’s about it. No surprises, no twists (at least none that you don’t see coming). But then again, you’re not going to this movie for serious dramatic acting or a compelling tale. You’re here to watch Predators kill people and blow stuff up. And believe me, there is plenty of that.

Unfortunately, very little goes beyond anything we haven’t seen before. People explode, someone gets their spinal column torn out, there are a couple of decapitations and there are a few impalements, but nothing truly disturbing or innovative. Where the original Predator pushed the envelope somewhat on what could be done with an “R” rating, this movie keeps to essentially the same level. The atmosphere is dark and smelly (not unlike the theatre itself), and suits the general theme of the movie, but again, it’s nothing we haven’t seen a hundred times already. Where the innovation falls flat, they try to make up for it in sheer volume, whether it be the gatling gun firing off into a herd of Predator “dogs,” repeated shankings, or bigger explosions. The one possible exception to this is a rather interesting scene involving the token yakuza, a samurai sword, and a field of long grass. What comes out of it is vaguely poetic and I suppose symbolic.

The characters are caricatures and exaggerations of stereotypes, some done well, some done awfully. Adrien Brody, picking up after, and ultimately emulating, Schwarzenegger, does his best with what he has, but ultimately falls short of being a true action hero. Despite a chiseled body, attitude and a definite proficiency for swearing, he should just stick to what he does best: playing the piano and orally violating Halle Berry. Alice Braga is ridiculously adorable as the IDF agent Isabelle, Topher Grace continues to try to cast off the cloud of Eric Forman, and a cameo by Laurence Fishburne round out the recognizable talent. Danny Trejo, best known for his voice acting work (he played Enrique on King of the Hill) shows up for a few seconds. Walton Goggins plays the role of Stan the convict with excellent overacting (at one point he actually says “5 o’clock, prime b***h-raping time” and actually keeps a perfectly straight face). But much props go out to Louis Ozawa Changchien for his portrayal of the yakuza: he conveys more with plain expressions than most of the other characters do with dialogue. That, and the sword fight.

So I suppose it comes down to whether or not I recommend this movie. As I said before, this is a formulaic Predator film, done strictly by the numbers and doing little to innovate or refresh the series. Anyone who has seen the last few installments is going to get more of the same. Unlike the first film, there is no suspense, no questions regarding what exactly is hunting the team (not even to them, thanks to some name-checking), and the sole surprise comes from the discovery that there is another race of Predators out there, which make sport of hunting the ones we are familiar with. (Actually, that was pretty cool- the “berserk” predators, as they are called, are infinitely “cooler” than the ones we have come to know.) But if you are going to see this film because you are a Predator fan, or just want some mindless action riddled with explosions and blood, then by all means go. You will not be disappointed.

“This is what an anime should be, Deadly dialogue delivery, Edge of your seat Plot, An Indiana Jones Rip-off action hero, Incomprehensible action scenes, Ugly Character design and Jet combat between americans and soviets. This movie has it all.
The protagonist puts all other protagonist to shame, Kamishiro is the epitome of an action hero, He’s on a quest Seeking the message of god.”

So join us Wednesday 10pm eastern/9pm central.

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Somehow we’ve never done a syfy original movie before. I would normally summarize the plot here or something, but I think the boxart and the words “syfy original movie” do a good enough job by themselves.

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Tune in at 10 eastern/9 central for THE FLU BIRD HORROR.

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The movie begins with the shark eating a fish. Yes, this is what the Jaws series has sunk to by the third film. Jaws is eating a fairly small fish. This fish’s head then slowly moves towards the camera. I decided to go back and see exactly how long it takes the fish’s head to move at the camera from its first appearance, the results: 24 seconds. 24 seconds of a decapitated fish head moving towards the screen. This scene’s powerfully moving imagery is probably what inspired James Cameron to make Avatar.

After this, we have a lot of people not get eaten by Jaws. It gets close to eating someone but then apparently she changes her mind and leaves them alone. Eventually, Jaws follows some water skiers into the primary location of the movie: Sea World. I’m not entirely sure why Sea World would agree to being featured in this movie. It’s kind of like the pope guest starring in a movie about pedophilic priests; it’s just a bad PR move.

Inside Sea World, the situation is grim, the dolphins are scared of something and they’re not sure what. So some guy decides to secure the gates around the dolphin area. At night. Surprise! He gets eaten and his arm starts floating at the screen. His arm only floats at us for 7 seconds, apparently a decapitated fish is more important than a dead guy. The next day, the people who I think are supposed to be our protagonists hang out at a bar and do really stupid things.

I say I think they’re supposed to be our protagonists because none of them really do anything, they have no real character, and I couldn’t remember any of their names. Turns out that the sons of Brody from the first two movies are all grown up and one of them works at Sea World. The other one has a crippling fear of the ocean apparently, but all it takes is his new female love interest stripping down a bit to make him go out and do it in the ocean water. He is interrupted by his brother and his girlfriend who play a really stupid prank and pretend to be security guards. Before and during all of this we have bad scenes of awkward flirting, bizarre bar and beach games, and lies about undone flies.

After the awkward flirtations are over, we see coral rustlers out on the water. They are very quickly eaten by Jaws, who apparently wants to lay low and eats their inflatable raft too. We unfortunately do not see someones eyeballs or other body parts slowly move towards the screen at this time.

The next day, the wife of the now armless and lifeless maintenance man is angry that her husband is not home. So she starts yelling at the cooler Brody kid who works at Sea World about how worthless her husband is. Brody’s girlfriend diffuses the situation by walking up, putting her arm around both of them and saying “Hi darlin’ what’s wrong?” Brody and girlfriend decide to check the waters in case he died. The guy’s wife never seems remotely concerned about his wellbeing during this exchange.

Brody and friends climb into a yellow submarine and go in front of the badly green-screened water. It kind of looks like something I poorly photoshopped. They decide to go check out the standard fishbowl prop: the sunken ship. The movie then spends 20 seconds staring at a prop skeleton whose hands move toward the screen. As the crew looks around the sunken ship, a large shark hand-puppet attacks! Thankfully, the dolphins are there to save them by having Brody and his girlfriend grab on as they swim to safety.

Once there, they alert their boss and several plans are formed. A douchebag British guy suggests killing the shark and filming it because it’d be so totally awesome. Meanwhile Brody’s girlfriend wants to capture it alive so they can parade it around. Ultimately it is decided that they capture the shark. They go into the water with tranqs and actually catch it and bring it into captivity. Unfortunately, the hubris of the park director proves too much as he moves it to a sweet new tank to show it off and it immediately dies.

The shark’s mom is pissed and decides to go on a killing spree as revenge, for you see, she was the evil shark all along. Meanwhile in an underwater tunnel of horror or something, a little girl sees the rest of the maintenance guy and people start panicking. As the bad news is delivered to the director in the underwater situation room/lounge he is skeptical until the shark decides to swim up to the room and say hello. Unfortunately she doesn’t do anything cool like break the glass and eat them all and instead just swims away.

Meanwhile, the other, lamer Brody brother has been hanging out with his new girlfriend on the bumper boats when the shark attacks! By attack, I mean she sort of playfully nibbles on the girlfriend. She doesn’t even lose a limb. This leads to a several minute scene of cool-Brody running around like an idiot yelling incomprehensibly about getting everyone out of the water. During this scene, the shark swims alongside motorboats. It’s just that cool.

More people continue to not get eaten until the shark teleports to the underwater tunnel of horror and attacks it. This causes it to leak water everywhere and everyone starts running to the saferoom. Nothing says “our amusement park aquarium thing is fun” quite like having it be destroyed in a movie.

This is a safe place I should visit with my children.

A press conference is held and then douchey british guy decides he’s going to try to lure the shark into a different area so they can fix the tunnel. He does this by jumping in the water with his cameraman, spilling vials of blood around, and sitting there waiting to snap a shot. Between scenes his cameraman needed a smoke or something, because when we cut back, douchey British guy is by himself and is quickly eaten when poking the shark with a stick fails to scare it off. Except he gets stuck in the shark’s throat or something and we see it from his point of view for a little bit.

Things get welded, trapped people are saved, and everyone’s chilling in the underwater control deck celebrating a job well done. Suddenly….

The shark starts FLOATING TOWARDS THEM!

Yeeeeup, she kind of just floats at them.

It is at this point that the characters scream in slow-motion. I’m not kidding.
She doesn’t ever move her body until the end when she…

BREAKS THE FOURTH WALL GLASS!

The shark then eats 50% of the movie’s black characters before the cool Brody kid notices something.

Yes, one of the grenades the douchey British guy apparently had earlier is still in his hand. Which is still in the front of the shark’s mouth because of deus ex machina. Brody pulls the pin and the shark explodes.

Brody and his girlfriend emerge in the ocean, happy to be alive. Then, the girlfriend asks a very important question: “What happened to the dolphins?” She does not question the fate of the other 50% of the movie’s black cast or anyone else in the control room, she needs to know about the dolphins. The movie then ends on this freeze frame:

I would say something more about the ending, but I think that about sums it up. It’s quite interesting to see a 3D movie in 2D, because you get entire scenes of really awkward pauses on objects just so they can not pop out of the screen at you. Also I would really like to know what SeaWorld was thinking. I cannot see how this movie would make people want to go there.

Overall though, it was a fun movie. The plot made no sense, the characters barely existed and the special effects were terrible. In other words, perfect so bad its good material. I cannot give it a full thumbs-up bro-fist though, as the movie never has any moment quite amazing enough to justify that. It’s still worth a watch though, and now that its on Netflix Instant Streaming you can watch it quite easily.

Thumbs-up out of thumbs-up bro-fist
Watch it.

Midnight Shamalon is an awesome director. After he did the lame Sixth Sense, he started making awesome movies like that one with that chick in the swimming pool. So obviously I went to see this movie.

Some retards called Midnight’s decision to get white people in this movie as “racist” or “the dumbest things I’ve ever heard,” but I believe these people are the idiots because they fail to see the genius in this move. Everyone knows Asians can’t act, you can’t argue with Google.

The Last Airbender takes the Japanime Avatar: The Last Airbender, and makes it even better. Based off of James Cameron’s hit movie, Avatar, the Japanime is really weird and isn’t even like that cool movie with the blue people. I find it kinda dumb that they are making a movie based off of a Japanime of a movie, but that’s hollywood for ya! The Japanime is pretty lame, I watched one entire episode of it once,– except for those 8 minutes where I went to get a snack–and I really didn’t like it. Besides, it was Japanese so like the lip-syncing sucked and it was really lame and had ugly art. So the live action movie fixes all of that because obviously its better than a dumb cartoon!

The best part about this movie is that stuff just happens. They don’t do that lame thing that other dumbass directors do like slow down to show you why they’re doing stuff. They just do stuff! Like some princess is in love with a really lame dude, and instead of wasting our time on dumb scenes of them going on stupid dates, the narrator just tells you they’re in love. They don’t do any of that stupid Rocky bullshit of showing him like punch the air a lot to get better, the narrator just says Jesus can do cool shit now.

I should probably explain to you guys what the movie is about. There’s this eskimo chick who finds some bald kid in an iceburg. He’s magically alive because he’s actually Jesus and he’s going to stop Satan and his demon lizards. You see, 100 years ago, all of the countries were living in peace and picking flowers or something gay like that, but then Satan and hell decide to stop being pansies and take over the world. They kill all of the angels in heaven except Jesus, who escaped to an icebirg with his pet flying hippo.

Anyway, the eskimo chick takes Jesus back to her village with her brother and they do some gay shit for a while and then Satan’s son figures out where they are! So shit goes down and they go to a temple where gay stuff happens and Jesus meets his dad, the like uber God, who is a dragon. He’s kind of like a gay snake dragon instead of the cool fire breathing ones.

Oh yeah, I should probably talk about the magic powers everyone has. See, people can do really gay dances to make fire, rocks, water, and wind and grass and stuff appear. It’s kind of like Captain Earth or whatever that gay-ass cartoon was called. So they do these dances and stuff appears, it looks REALLY GAY!!! I guess its still kind of cool, but if I could summon fire by doing stupid dances, I might not just not do it instead.

Anyway, they get in trouble and they get locked up with a bunch of guys who dance to make rocks appear. They’re fucking idiots though, so Jesus has to tell them to get off of their asses and dance the rocks out of the way so they can escape. They’re complete wusses though and it takes like 5 of them to do anything cool, but Jesus is there so he does magic stuff better.

Then Jesus gets caught by the cousin of Satan or something like that, so Satan’s son is like “that’s my prisoner, bitch” and kills a bunch of people to set him free. Jesus then makes it rain for 40 days and 40 nights to say thanks. Then they go to the North Pole so Santa can teach them how to make water fountains. So then the eskimo’s lame-ass brother falls in love with Santa’s daughter, but they don’t do it because eskimo dude is so pathetic. They learn how to make waves and stuff, but then Satan attacks!

This is where the movie really screws up, because Santa and his elves don’t sink the ships of satan. They’re attacking on boats, dumbasses! Make a giant tidal wave and kill them all! Instead, they do some other cool stuff like freeze people in ice. Then Satan decides to kill Zeus so they can’t create magic water, but it turns out Zeus is just a fish! Zeus and Hades are just two fish sitting around in some dinky pond. Talk about lame Gods. Then Satan kills Zeus and everyone gets really mad. Santa’s daughter then kills herself and Zeus comes back to life. Which is too bad because she was hot.

So then God is like “HEY JESUS, YOU DUMBASS, JUST MAKE A GIANT WAVE AND SINK THEIR SHIPS!” Jesus is a wuss and just makes a big wave and then lets it down, letting Satan’s army escape. I guess that’s like turning the other cheek or something. Then it turns out that Satan has a daughter and she’s going to try to kill Jesus in the next movie!

While the gayass dancing sucks, the fight scenes are really awesome. They have people getting set on fire, getting crushed by rocks, and all sorts of awesome. You know what made them even better? THE 3D.

The 3D in this movie is the best 3D I have ever seen. They even made it where you didn’t have to wear those gay glasses, the movie looks almost the same with them off! Except the parts when they have words and bigass boats, you can just switch between having glasses and not having glasses and it looks almost exactly the same! I don’t know how they made 3D without the glasses, but they did an incredible job of it. A++++ on the 3D.

The acting was pretty good too, that kid who played Jesus is almost exactly like Keanu Reaves! That guy from the Daily Show was on here too! He was just like on the Daily Show, but as Satan’s nephew! I can’t remember much about the other people, but I bet they were good too.

The Last Airbender is a frickin’ sweet movie that everyone should see. My girlfriend wanted to see that vampire movie, Twilight, instead, but I took her to The Last Airbender instead because I have actual taste. Midnight Shamalon is a great director, possibly the greatest and will hopefully make the next 4 movies in this trilogy just as good.

This week we will be watching the last 2 episodes of Mad Bull 34! It is about two cops in New York. Daizaburo “Eddie” Ban a rookie has been partnered with John Estes the Mad Bull who is known for his less than policeman like behavior. They work together and try to protect the roughest streets in New York. We are going to be watching the amazing dub from Manga Entertainment and you will not want to miss it!

Tune in at 10 Eastern/9 Central
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Whenever a new Pokemon game arrives, it once again becomes a hot topic all across the internet and the fans are vocal enough be noticeably present in real life situations, especially college where the fans get excited for Pokemon all over again. Then there are the former fans- people who claim to not care about the new Pokemon. They will say that only the original 151 matter and the evolution of the series led to their current disinterest. Nothing is more obnoxious than having a conversation about a current Pokemon game with someone, only to have someone else butt in and mention how only the original Pokemon matter.

I don’t buy this Pokemon elitism for one minute. Nostalgia for the originals is very sensible and expected, but should not keep a person from appreciating the obvious advancement of the games. Most of these additions that have appeared over time are very natural extensions of the original concept; the kinds of things that kids would think to themselves “Sure would be swell if I could do that”. The new Pokemon themselves are often less aesthetically desirable than the the simplistic charm of the first set (nosepass… really?), but there are excellent and likeable additions that flesh out the gameplay that should not be overlooked.

I am completely convinced that these people almost always became disinterested in Pokemon on their own. Many fans in their early years treated Pokemon more seriously than just a passing childhood fad, and are still devoted players to this day. They look back fondly at Pokemon’s past, while also anticipating the future and still enjoying the games. However, plenty others got over Pokemon. As they grew older, they became less and less involved with Pokemon and moved onto new interests. Not wanting to completely reject something they loved so much as children, they hold on to the nostalgia and claim that its the modern Pokemon that keep them from enjoying the new games. Pokemon becomes like Barney and Power Rangers for them- relics of their childhood. There is nothing wrong with changing interests, but do not blame Marril and Togepi, when it is your own losing interest at fault. Unless you are actively playing the Red, Blue, and Yellow that you cherish, don’t look down upon my Diamond, Pearl, SoulSilver, and HeartGold.

Sonic Triple Trouble (Japanese title: Sonic & Tails 2) is a direct sequel to Sonic Chaos (Japanese title: Sonic & Tails). Once again, I have to wonder why they changed the name, because Triple Trouble doesn’t make much sense as a title. Again, only Sonic & Tails are playable and while there are three antagonists, you don’t see them very often so I have no idea why they settled on that name.

Unlike the other Game Gear games up to this point, Sonic Triple Trouble has no Master System version. However, it still is a full-sized Sonic game and feels more like a main-series entry than a portable spin-off. Like its prequel, you Sonic has his Super Peel-Out and this is the second to last game it appears in. Tails can fly, but it again uses the awkward hold up and press jump while standing system instead of the much simpler jump mashing the main series utilizes.

Triple Trouble has a lot of alternative methods of transportation for Sonic, such as spring boots, rocket skateboards, and mine carts. None of which are incredible, but they don’t detract from the experience or anything. Tails gets his own vehicle in the water stage, which makes it easier for him because he cannot drown. Playing the game as Tails is essentially playing the game on easy mode as there are some other slight changes that make it easier to play overall, such as more lives. Also, despite this being Knuckles’ first Game Gear appearance, he is not playable. Instead he is once again an antagonist, along with the obligatory new character, Fang the Sniper. Who is a wolf. Except he doesn’t show up except for the title screen and when you try to get a Chaos Emerald. Also I’m not entirely sure he’s a villain.

Sonic Triple Trouble is one of the good Game Gear games, much like its prequel. The levels manage to mix speed and platforming pretty well and aren’t too difficult, allowing a speedy playthrough if you so desire. Unfortunately, its final level falls victim to the same annoying design problems many Sonic games fall prey to. Most of the final zones in Sonic involve doing things absolutely perfectly or you have to repeat a section over and over again. Whether it be falling down to a lower section or being stuck in a loop, this gets annoying quite fast and is not even remotely fun. Sonic games insist on doing this and Sonic Triple Trouble’s is one of the worse ones, requiring you to guess between different paths, going in loops until you finally find the right tube to jump in.

Despite the poor ending, Sonic Triple Trouble is a good game that is worth a play. Next up in the retrospective is Knuckles’ Chaotix, a game I have never played before, so that one should be interesting. After that I’m going to do a large post about all of the spinoffs up to Sonic R (which obviously deserves its own post).

For more entries in the Sonic Retrospective, click here.

Initially viewed as a “teenage Rocky,” Karate Kid was a story framed by themes of displacement, in Daniel’s relocation to a new home, and self-discovery in his interactions with Miyagi. Daniel was the everyman that embodied many youths, forced to struggle against bullies who were bigger, stronger, and tougher than he was. Miyagi was a surrogate father who taught him self discipline and respect. Rival sensei John Kreese was a semi-faceless monster caught up in his own ego and viciousness. The quintessential American underdog tale, and it caught on like wildfire, spawning three sequels, and sending Larusso all the way to Japan.

Given the interest Hollywood has devoted lately to remaking (and, some may argue, destroying) classics from yesteryear, I was skeptical about the remake of “The Karate Kid,” as it is still regarded by many to be a sacred relic of our collective past. If remaking the film wasn’t bad enough, changing its location from California to China, the mentor from Mr. Miyagi to Jackie Chan’s Mr. Han and the style from karate to kung fu, seemed like the largest travesty of all. “It’s Kung Fu, why not call it ‘The Kung Fu Kid?’” were the cries of many of my friends, who vowed to never see the film based on that alone.

Rather than join the outcry, I decided to wait until the film had been actually released before I rushed to any judgements. And I am glad I did.

Much like the original, Karate Kid 2010 centers around the story of a boy uprooted from a familiar landscape and forced to relocate far away. However, unlike the cross country trek in the first, this time young Dre Parker is taken all the way across the Pacific to China. Alone in a new country, with no friends and an inability to communicate, Dre runs afoul of a group of peers led by the vicious Cheng (expertly played by Zhenwei Wang), an expert in Kung Fu. Dre refuses to back down, and is pounded by the boy. When a prank goes awry, Dre is chased back to his apartment complex, where he is further assaulted until saved by the antisocial handyman, Mr. Han, himself a kung fu expert. Though reluctant to aid the boy, Mr. Han accompanies him to Cheng’s martial arts school, where they are strong-armed into competing in the Open Kung Fu Tournament. Mr. Han trains Dre to defend himself, taking him all across China while dispensing wisdom and more than a few challenging training scenarios. And did I mention that all this started because Dre was talking to a girl?

After I watched Karate Kid 2010, I went back and watched the original, and was struck by how similar they were. I read somewhere that the new film sticks to the story almost scene for scene, and for the most part it does: every major event that happens in the first film is recreated in the second, but not so much that it feels like a retread. Additionally, some of the scenes in the first film are expanded upon: Mr. Han takes center stage in a scene so powerful, you forget you’re watching Jackie Chan; the training sequences are extended out over several exotic locations; and we are given more time to witness the development of the bond between Dre and Han.

The setting of the story, filmed on location in China, is lushly depicted. Scenes filmed on the Great Wall, in the back alleys of Beijing, at Buddhist temples and finally at the Tournament itself with flashing lights and elaborate display screens, further serve to show a world far different from the one Larusso lived in, and further illustrate exactly how hard it has been for Dre to acclimate from his old life: he’s not just a stranger in a new neighborhood, he is a stranger in an alien land, far removed from what he is used to dealing with. In fact, Karate Kid 2010 manages to do in one sitting what it took the original franchise 2 films to do: it uproots the main character from an “idyllic” American world and sends him to a setting where he truly must interact, and indeed survive, entirely on his own. It’s one thing to move cross country, it’s another to move across the globe.

The film, while visually stunning, might not have worked, if not for the abilities of the more than capable leading actors. Jaden Smith shows that he more than just looks like his famous father, he can act. Whether he is joking around, showing off his “moves” or struggling against opponents both real and imagined, he tackles each scene with competence, flair and charisma. And in the process, he makes Dre Parker a protagonist infinitely more worldly, urbane, and likable than Daniel Larusso ever was. As classic a character as Daniel-san was, he was also very annoying. Dre, by contrast, is completely the product of a global world.

Smith’s talent is further showcased by his interactions with Jackie Chan. Now, any comparisons between Chan and Pat Morita would be completely unfair. Morita and Chan are different actors, coming from different worlds. Morita was still under-known at the time; Karate Kid made him a household name. By contrast, Jackie Chan is already world famous. In the case of both actors, their roles as mentors presented challenges: Morita was not the original choice for the role, he had to prove himself. Likewise, Chan has to fight against the general perception of himself as a comedic actor. Both played out of character, and had to tackle serious dramatic roles. And both were more than up to the task: they brought to life compelling characters that added to the appeal of the movies.

Which brings us back to the name: “The Karate Kid” is a horrible misnomer, but one they are more than willing to play to. Dre’s martial arts skills are obviously not karate. In fact, at one point in the film, when he visits the Fighting Dragons Academy, he remarks “It’s kung fu, Mom, not karate.” Given the interest in Chinese martial arts these days (thanks, in part, to Jackie Chan), it’s no surprise that they would ditch karate for something and more “trendy.” So then why still call this film “The Karate Kid,” when there is no actual karate in it?

Well, it IS a remake. An expansive, stimulating, vibrant remake, but a remake nonetheless. And be honest, would anyone debate this movie were it called “The Kung Fu Kid?” Probably not. But anyone choosing to pass this film up simply because of the name is doing the film, and themselves, a disservice. Look past the name, you will find a gem of a film, an underdog story in the same vein as Rocky, Star Wars and even Harry Potter.

And in case anyone wants to know…”wax-on, wax-off”, and the “Crane Technique” are still there, in spirit less than form. Just with more attitude this time.

Deadbeat Club is a column about good video games you can get cheaply, primarily free ones.

At first, I wanted to call BLOCKSUM a ripoff of Tetris, but I realized that wasn’t very accurate. Then I thought it was more like Tetris Attack, which was more accurate, but still wrong. Then I realized that BLOCKSUM is a rare kind of puzzle game, the kind that isn’t a rip-off of Tetris, Tetris Attack or Bejeweled.

BLOCKSUM involves minor math skills, so if you’re one of those people who can’t do addition quickly, you should probably give it a pass. It’s kind of hard to explain the gameplay, so I’m going to do it through specific examples.

To remove bricks, you have to have more than or equal to x number of bricks with the number x on them. In this screenshot, the blocks are disappearing because there are 3 blocks with the number 3 touching. They would still disappear if there were 12 blocks with the number 3 touching. When the minimum number of blocks are touching, the blocks will start disappearing, but you do have a little bit of time to add more to the chain for more points.

You create new blocks by combining adjacent ones to add up their numbers. You can do this as many times as you want, but it cannot be undone. The blocks cannot, be moved, so you have to keep in mind that all of your newly formed blocks will need to be touching to disappear. Sometimes you’ll make a mistake, like in the screenshot above; that’s where the little silver balls come in. Combine the ball with a block and all blocks of that number will just disappear from the screen. This makes the game still completable when you do something like accidentally create a 28 numbered block.

You can still connect larger numbers though.

As the game goes on, the blocks slowly rise, and when they hit the top, the game over countdown begins. If you can get them to not touch the ceiling before the countdown ends, you’re still in the game. The blocks get faster and higher numbered as the game goes on, making it get really tricky at later stages.

The game isn’t as complicated as it sounds and is easy to pick up, but it gets tough once you’re dealing with larger numbered blocks. It is a lot of fun to play for a while and I got quite addicted to it for a few days. My only real complaint is that the game starts off slow, if you want to get back to the faster, tougher sections you have to work your way there all over again. So while BLOCKSUM doesn’t have the lasting power of some other puzzle games, it is still fun to play and worth the price of free.

Download link here.

Oh hi, audience. This week for I Don’t Even we are doing The Room! This mastehpiece directed, produced, executive produced and starred by Tommy Wiseau! This movie was so bad that Wiseau claimed it was a comedy after everyone made fun of it. Featuring a no-star cast, this movie’s plot stays still for about 70 minutes with occasional sideplots that are forgotten after their scene ended. You do not want to miss this week, it is one of the “best” movies we’ve done for I Don’t Even and you will regret not seeing it.

Tune in at 10 Eastern/9 Central for the masterpiece that is The Room.

Link to the movie will be provided in the IRC, unless you’re cool and already have it on DVD.

Chat either in the Flash IRC or join us in your own client one irc.esper.net in channel #InsertDisc

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And then came Toy Story. I remember it well, the day I saw that movie. I was 14 years old, on my way home from the mall, when I told my mom to drop me off at the movies. I wanted to see this new, computer generated film about the secret lives of toys. It had just opened, and my main draw was, of course, the computer animation. By this point in my life, I had seen the landmark children’s television series “Reboot” on television and was amazed by the early advances being made in computer animation. I went into Toy Story looking for something new and refreshing. I left with my mind completely blown.

I had expected to see a film with a flashy look to it, and a little story thrown in to justify the new technologies at work. I left with a modern fable about friendship, discovering one’s own identity and the chance to see the world through the eyes of a toy. Needless to say, it changed my life.

I am writing this now because I just finished watching Toy Story 3. It’s been a long time since the last time I had a chance to visit with Woody, Buzz, Rex and the Potato-Heads, and I will admit, it was great seeing them again. But this time I was’t a wide-eyed teenager looking for the next big thing, I was a grown man seeking a simpler time in life, when the pleasures of toys were the only thing that mattered.

I will start off by saying that this film is simply amazing. Where Pixar first pushed the envelope many years ago, they picked it right back up and pushed it some more. The environments are still colorful, the characters crisp and the dynamics of scene almost overwhelming. Despite being fully human-sized, I immediately could feel the room growing around me until I was the same size as Woody and the gang. Pixar has learned much in the last decade, and it shows.

But the strong point of Pixar’s films isn’t just the astounding visual effects, no, they also get by on strong stories. In the first Toy Story, the theme was friendship, self discovery and love. In the second it was the distance with which friends would go for each other. In this film, the theme is loss. Not just the loss of a beloved friend, or cherished possession, but the loss of innocence. Andy has grown up, the youthful boy that once played with these toys has now all but forgotten them. The opening montage of the film, chronicling happier times when play was the only thing that mattered, reinforces this sense of loss, especially when a grown up Andy now has to choose which toys he will keep, and which he will say goodbye to. Pixar knows how to tug at the heartstrings, and this is just the first of many times it does so over the course of the film. The toys confronting a new world, scary and mysterious, where they are no longer the most important thing in their boy’s world. It is a world where the toy box is now their home, with the attic or the curb being their final destination. Their one driving force is the potential for happier days down the road, as Woody puts it “one day Andy might have kids of his own, and we’ll be there for him.”

This theme of hope and loss is consistently reinforced throughout the film: when the toys are mistakenly thrown away, mistaking a simple error for intentional abandonment; finding a new home at the Day Care, where the promise of play reinvigorates them (the scene where the hear the children approaching is especially powerful, moreso when they see the other toys in the room run for cover); the fear and horror of discovering not only is their world, and its hopes, false, but that their beloved Andy truly misses them; the terrifying moments inside the trash compactor and incinerator (I admit, I almost cried); and of course, the moment of closure when Andy leaves for college. But mixed in with the knowledge that their happy days are gone, there is the spark of something beautiful, because they are a family, they rely on each other, and they always will be together.

After seeing the movie, I immediately tweeted that this film, more than I think any other Pixar work, mirrors the Studio Ghibli aesthetic best. And not just for the giant Totoro (though he was a welcome addition to the cast, wide smiles and all). See, John Lasseter, and indeed all of Pixar, are huge fans of Hayao Miyazaki’s work. And since I have essentially been eating, sleeping and breathing Miyazaki for about a month now, I began to notice things immediately. First off, this film is darker than any other Pixar has done. And because of this, the darker scenes seem all the more powerful. Just as Miyazaki tends to infuse his films with powerful imagery which sets tone, and empowers scenes, so here does Pixar. I need only to point to the end sequence with the incinerator. The sequence was so powerful, so vivid, that several people in the theatre (myself and my girlfriend included) were sweating while watching it. The perspective of seeing such a flame from the point of a view of a toy was frightening, awe-inspiring and all the more powerful.

Speaking of powerful scenes, Pixar also was not afraid to imbue this film with darker story elements. Just as Miyazaki disdains “dumbing things down” for children, Pixar leapt in feet first, forcing the toys, and by extension us, to confront the themes of loss and despair. Rather than sugarcoat the story, we feel everything the toys feel, and for a moment, the prospect of a sad ending was very real. It made the eventual resolution seem that much more satisfying, if still bittersweet. I know I wasn’t the only one holding back tears of both sadness and joy, and it made me think fondly of all the toys I had given away over the years, and the ones I still have back home.

Much like classic Miyazaki films like Laputa: Castle In the Sky and Spirited Away, Toy Story also sets up the locations as characters of their own. He imbues these locations with the same style of earthy organics he gives to his characters, allowing the viewer to essentially “feel” what the setting is thinking. Again, I draw an example from the dump/incinerator- Pixar gave a coldness and sterility to this locale, there are points during the sequence where we the viewer feel that the dump is itself a ruthless monster bent on destruction, when it is in fact simply a machine doing its intended job. This is a far cry from the safety of Andy’s bedroom, where it feels comfortable and familiar, or from the Butterfly Room, with it’s welcoming atmosphere and almost utopian flavor (at least, utopian for a toy).

Finally, Pixar manages to fit in just one more of Miyazaki’s favorite themes into the story: the innocence of youth. One of the defining elements of the earlier Toy Story movies was the genuine love Andy gave his toys, whether it was inscribing his name on their foot, or simply the act of playing with them, we could see that Andy was a happy child who loved his toys like they were his best friends…which it would be completely accurate to say they were. In Toy Story 3, this tradition continues, both with Andy, and later with the girl Bonnie. We see grown up Andy as a boy on the cusp of adulthood, but who still cares about his beloved toys, especially when they are suddenly gone. We see his behavior mirrored in the child Bonnie, who not only loves her toys, but actively seeks to “rescue” them from her Day Care, and even goes so far as to fix them when they break and treat them with the same love and respect Andy always had. There is a certain poignancy to the scene at the end of the film, when Andy finally parts ways with his beloved friends, and the joy in Bonnie’s face when she meets her new ones. They bond the two characters now share is tangible, palpable, and touching. Again, a very emotional scene that would draw tears from even the staunchest of viewers.

Hayao Miyazaki once said that if he were going to make a movie about a bug, he would do it from the bug’s point of view: he would make the world huge and show how the bug’s experiences were so different from our own. Toy Story was Pixar’s first attempt to do something of that nature with the hidden world of toys. When they succeeded there, they went and did it again (in between then, also showing us the world of A Bug’s Life). With Toy Story 3, they brought that world full circle, giving long time fans the resolution we sought, giving their most memorable characters the ending they deserved and introducing this magical world of toys to a new generation. This film will live on, because it speaks to the very core of who we are as humans, and reminds us that life is just a series of changes that we must face with dignity.

That’s right, I’m not going to give up on my insane idea of playing/writing about every single Sonic the Hedgehog game after all. Sonic’s 19th birthday is here and I felt like doing something to commemorate it, like talk about Sonic again. Appropriately, the game I was on in my Sonic Retrospective happened to be my favorite Sonic game, so I don’t have to write about how bad Sonic 2006 is again.

I am writing about Sonic 3 and Sonic & Knuckles together simply because they were originally going to be one game. Due to budget reasons, the game was split into two and the lock-on features were added to Sonic and Knuckles. When locked together, you got the full game of Sonic 3 & Knuckles. This greatly improved both games as you could not save in vanilla Sonic & Knuckles and Sonic 3‘s levels are not as good as Sonic & Knuckles‘.

What makes Sonic 3 & Knuckles so good is the amazing level design. Sonic 3‘s is less impressive than Sonic and Knuckles‘, but both are good. Sonic 3 has good levels up until the Carnival Night Zone, which I mostly hate due to horrible childhood memories.

Yes, the barrel. In Carnival Night Zone there are these barrels that move around, some of which you can control. You control them by pressing up and down to make them move. The problem is the game never tells you this. So when I got to a room that locks behind you, the only way out underneath that barrel, I never could figure it out. I spent hours as a kid trying to beat that level. I did it accidentally by jumping a lot, but I could never replicate it. This meant I would always play the game with Knuckles because he bypassed that part of the level.

Aside from that, Carnival Night Zone is fun and Ice Cap zone is really good. The only problem is the conclusion: Launch Base Zone. This zone isn’t bad, but it certainly isn’t good. The music is bad, the design is annoying, forcing you to go through the same sections over and over again, and it just isn’t any fun. Still, running around Hydrocity and Marble Garden is fun enough to make up for this. Sonic & Knuckles is good until the end though, with Flying Battery Zone being especially memorable for me.

This level is not very good.

What made the Sonic 3 & Knuckles levels so good was the sheer size of most of the levels. Many of the zones were enormous and allowed so many different pathways. You could spend Hyrdrocity mostly in the water or barely even see the water depending on how you went about the level. It also had a good mix of the fast set-pieces–like the loops and tunnels–and actual platforming. Add in that the bosses were fairly different from each other and the game just comes together really well.

Also the addition of Knuckles was a good one. He is the last Sonic character to actually add a new element to the gameplay to justify his presence. The gliding and climbing worked differently enough from Tails’ flying to make him worthwhile. Also his paths through the game were different from Sonic and Tails’, making playing as him worth it for more than just differences in technique.

The last aspect of the game I want to talk about is the music: it’s very, very good. Here are some quick samples:

Hydrocity Zone Act 2:

Ice Cap Zone Act 1:

Flying Battery Zone Act 2:

Most of the tracks are very catchy and match the zones very well, the aforementioned Launch Base zone is the only zone whose music I dislike.

Sonic 3 & Knuckles is my favorite Sonic game, I have a lot of fond childhood memories of it and I can still enjoy it to this day. It’s the pinnacle of the Sonic series, and at the rate they’re going at, I doubt any game will surpass it.

Konami’s E3 press conference was something quite amazing. Filled with one mirrion troops. One Mirrion Troops. ONE MIRRION TROOPS. WOWWWW… Mexican wrestlers and so much more awesome that it is I Don’t Even worthy. This is the first (and likely only) time I Don’t Even is going non-fiction. So tune in this Wednesday at 10 Eastern/9 Central as we livestream the amazingness.

Sorry guys, there won’t be an I Don’t Even this week because of E3. Tomorrow we will have our final live E3 podcast and things will go back to normal. To make up for missing a week, the next I Don’t Even will be particularly epic.

THAT’S RIGHT, IT’S THE ROOM.

We start at 10 Eastern/9 Central, so tune in and listen to us live as we talk about the vidja games and show off some of the trailers.

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Watch it at:
G4
Youtube
GameTrailers
Gamespot
Youtube

Watch it at:
G4
Youtube
GameTrailers
Gamespot
Youtube
Also the TV channel Spike

We start at 10 Eastern/9 Central, so tune in and listen to us live as we talk about the vidja games and show off some of the trailers.

Click Here for pop-up window

The conference starts at 12:00 Central/1:00 Eastern.

Where to get steaming of it live:

http://e3.g4tv.com/e32010/pressconferences/index.html

http://www.gametrailers.com/e3/

http://www.youtube.com/E3

http://e3.gamespot.com/press-conference/?tag=hotslot

Monday

Microsoft Press Conference Liveblog – 12 PM Central/1 PM Eastern

This is Microsoft’s big press conference which will likely focus on Natal. This means we will hopefully get to see executives hopping around and making crazy hand motions like a bunch of ninnies on stage. We will post links to as many livestreams of the conference as possible. We’ll use coveritlive unless the service gets bogged down again. If that happens, we’ll switch to using our IRC.

There are also Ubisoft and EA press conferences on this day. They MAY be liveblogged. EA’s would be more likely, but we probably won’t do either.

Milo is watching you.

Attack Magic Item Flee LIVE – 9 PM Central/10 PM Eastern

We talk about the day’s events LIVE with some videos and stuff if we can. You can come and listen to us make fun of Peter Molyneux and talk about how full of technology the day was.

Tuesday

Nintendo Press Conference Liveblog – 11 AM Central/12 PM Eastern

We’re going to liveblog Nintendo’s press conference just like Microsoft’s. Nintendo has confirmed that they will be talking about the Vitality Sensor, so that’ll be hilarious.

Sony Press Conference Liveblog – 2 PM Central/3 PM Eastern

Again, liveblog of Sony’s press conference and we don’t really know much about what we’ll see there.

Nope. No idea at all.

We are all holding out for Kevin Butler to MC the conference.

Attack Magic Item Flee LIVE – 9 PM Central/10 PM Eastern

More LIVE podcasting from us. Isn’t it exciting?

Wednesday

We don’t have anything really planned for Wednesday, but we might do an I Don’t Even that day. Find out for sure on that tomorrow.

Thursday

Attack Magic Item Flee LIVE 9 PM Central/10 PM Eastern

We wrap up E3 and talk about the news of the last couple days and any other odds and ends.

This week we will be watching Mad Bull 34. It is a OVA from 1990. It is about two cops in New York. Daizaburo “Eddie” Ban a rookie has been partnered with John Estes the Mad Bull who is known for his less than policeman like behavior. They work together and try to protect the roughest streets in New York. We are going to be watching the amazing dub from Manga Entertainment and you will not want to miss it!

Join us this Wednesday at 10 Eastern/9 Central to see a bad cop who doesn’t play by the rules.

Tune in at 10 Eastern/9 Central
There will be ads unless you have Firefox adblock, so we recommend using that.

Chat either in the Flash IRC or join us in your own client one irc.esper.net in channel #InsertDisc WE ARE NOT USING THE LIVESTREAM CHAT

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All Hail Shadow by Magna-Fi ~ Shadow the Hedgehog

Shadow is one dark and edgy guy. He is black with red stripes, and has a gun. Shadow the Hedgehog has a lot of songs that are really bad, but I’m limiting this list to songs that are enjoyably bad, not so bad you want to poke your ears out. This is Shadow’s theme song and I imagine 12 year olds would find this to be cool and edgy, but it’s pretty bad.

Favorite Lyrics:

All hail Shadow!
Heroes rise again!
Obliterating everything that’s not your friend!
Nothing can stop you now,
No ghost to bring you down!
When there’s nothing left to lose, you win!

Escape From the city by Crush 40 ~ Sonic Adventure 2

This is the first song you hear in Sonic Adventure 2 and it’s amazing. Because it’s right at the beginning of the game, it’s more well known and the cheesy vocals and guitar make it pretty memorable. Crush 40 are the masters of cheesy rock.

Favorite Lyrics:
Must keep on moving ahead,
No time for guessing, follow my plan instead.
Trusting in what you can’t see,
Take my lead I’ll set you free.

Can You Feel the Sunshine by TJ Davis(<3) and Brian Jacques ~ Sonic R

Sonic R has some of my favorite music in video games. The cheesy synth mixed with TJ Davis’ singing make the entire soundtrack incredible. “Can You Feel the Sunshine?” is the music for the first track in the game and one of my favorites. Can you feel the sunshine? I know I can…

Favorite Lyrics:
When the sun goes down, I feel like I am waiting
For another day, when the clouds go away.

Sonic Underground Intro

An amazing opening to an amazing cartoon. Sonic Underground has Sonic as a royal triplet who has a magic guitar that shoots lasers. Every single episode has a concert in it, so Sonic Underground has the most bad Sonic songs out of anything.

Favorite Lyrics:

I Long for my children, but I have to wait!
To act too soon could seal their fate!

My Sweet Passion – Fumie Kumatani & Nikki Gregoroff ~ Sonic Adventure

This is the most bizarre song on this list. Amy’s theme song is completely incomprehensible. I THINK this is what my favorite lyrics are saying, but I could be wrong.

Favorite Lyrics:
I do understand the feelings of a Persian Cat
…The thing looked so cute… I had to shave it…
He reminds me of parsley when he’s standing the-ere
…Makes me wanna be… his speciality…

Seven Rings in Hand – Steve Conte ~ Sonic and the Secret Rings

A different musical direction for Sonic songs, but an equally bad one. The Wii exclusives don’t have as many songs, but Seven Rings in Hand makes up for quantity with quality.
Here’s the “Fairy tales in Trance” remix of the song from Sonic and the Black Knight.

Favorite Lyrics:

Make-believes reborn, Make-believes reborn
Myths in mind re-thought, Myths in mind re-thought
Question all that’s known, Question all that’s known
Legends blurred and torn

Sonic Boom – Spencer Nilsen ~ Sonic CD

This is the beginning of vocal songs in Sonic the Hedgehog, until Sonic CD there were none, but then “Sonic Boom” happened. (Well technically, “You Can Do Anything” is the first, but that was the Japanese version of “Sonic Boom”) This is one of my favorites and it’s pretty catchy.

Favorite Lyrics:

Sonic Boom, Sonic Boom, Sonic Boom
(spinnin’ though the world in motion)
Sonic Boom, Sonic Boom, Sonic Booooom…

Super Sonic Racing – TJ Davis(<3) & Richard Jacques ~ Sonic R

This is the main theme of Sonic R and pretty much encapsulates everything wrong and right about Sonic music.

Favorite Lyrics:
Come on run away, you don’t have to stay
We’re nearly out of time but you’re doing fine
So stay on track and don’t look back
Just feel the pace
Come on now RACE!!

Dreams of an Absolution – LB Remix Factory ~ Sonic the Hedgehog

You know what the worst Sonic game ever created needs? AUTOTUNE AND BAD TECHNO.

Favorite Lyrics:
‘Cause every night (every night)
and every night (every night)
and every night (every night)
I will dream (I will dream)

Unknown from ME ~ Sonic Adventure

Before Shadow, Knuckles was the “cool” character in Sonic. To establish that, they created this “song” for Sonic Adventure. While everyone’s theme song in Sonic Adventure was pretty darn bad, this one stands out for how ridiculous it is. The rap and singing are bad enough, but the constant reminders that Knuckles is SO COOL are quite brilliant.

Favorite Lyrics:
“Here I come, rougher than the rest of them
The best of them, tougher than leather
You can call me Knuckles, unlike Sonic I don’t chuckle
I’d rather flex my muscles
My heart is nails, it ain’t hard to tell”

Just start with series 1 of the 2005 reboot. It has Christopher Eccleston as The Doctor and most stuff is explained as it goes on. The first season can be pretty clunky at times, (it has more than one episode based around farting aliens) but it gets things going for the much better later seasons.

Doctor Who is about The Doctor(his name is not Doctor Who, it’s just The Doctor), a member of the alien race known as the Time Lords. He looks human except he has two hearts along with a few other neat tricks. When near death, Time Lords can regenerate. This involves having an entirely new body and a slightly different personality. This is so when a new actor is required they can get away with having a new person play the protagonist. The Doctor at the beginning of the 2005 reboot is the Ninth Doctor.

The Ninth Doctor Standing Outside of the TARDIS

He travels around in a ship called the TARDIS (Time and Relative Dimensions in Space). It looks like a blue policebox and is bigger on the inside. He goes through time and space having adventures with human companions he picks up. The Doctor is a pacifist and will go out of his way to avoid serious violence when solving problems through out time.

That’s all you really need to know to get started, everything else is explained as the series goes on.

All of the 2005 reboot up to the current season is available on Netflix Instant Streaming and for purchase on iTunes. BBCAmerica will rerun episodes from time to time as well and you can buy the DVD sets in America. The current season’s episodes are avaliable on iTunes, but only up to what has aired on BBCAmerica, which is two weeks behind the British schedule for some reason.

If you want just a great episode to show you what Doctor Who can do, watch Season 3 Episode 11 – “Blink.” “Blink” is one of the best episodes in the entire series and doesn’t require much prior knowledge to understand what’s happening.

The Tenth Doctor with Companion Donna Noble outside of the TARDIS

At the end of series 4 there are four specials that you need to watch before series five. They are:

1. The Next Doctor
2. The Planet of the Dead
3. The Waters of Mars
4. The End of Time Parts 1&2

“The Next Doctor” and “The Planet of the Dead” are avaliable for instant streaming on Netflix, but the other two are not. They are all avaliable for purchase on iTunes and are avaliable on DVD. “The Next Doctor” and “The Planet of the Dead” are not particularly good, and you really wouldn’t miss much if you skipped straight to “The Waters of Mars.”

So to recap:

1. Start with 2005 reboot
2. All episodes are on Netflix and iTunes
3. Once you’ve finished Series 4, go to the specials
4. Series 5 is avaliable on iTunes

Now is when it gets tricky, because there are spin-offs.

The first is called The Sarah Jane Adventures, which is a children’s show based around one of the Doctor’s former companions from the pre-2005 reboot. It crosses over with the main series a couple of times, but you don’t need to watch Sarah Jane to get it. I’ve personally never watched The Sarah Jane Adventures, so I can’t say much about it. They can probably be watched at any time, but it might be better if you wait until you see the Doctor Who episode that introduces her as a character, I believe it happens in season 2 or 3 of the reboot.

The second is aimed more at adults. It’s called Torchwood and is about a government agency that deals with alien threats. Imagine Doctor Who, minus the 900 year old time-traveling Doctor who actually knows what he’s doing and more sex. It’s more violent as well. The first series is really fairly uninteresting. It has some good episodes here and there, but is never quite as good as Doctor Who. The second series picks up and has some really good episodes and the third is a phenomenal mini-series called Torchwood: Children of Earth.

There is a viewing order for Torchwood and Doctor Who though, and here it is:

1. Doctor Who Series 1
2. Doctor Who Series 2
3. Torchwood Series 1
4. Doctor Who Series 3
5. Torchwood Series 2
6. Doctor Who Series 4
7. Torchwood: Children of Earth
8. Doctor Who Specials
9. Doctor Who Series 5

That’s the best way to avoid spoilers, as the crossovers with Doctor Who do reveal plot information from Torchwood.

Torchwood is avaliable for instant streaming on Netflix and avaliable for purchase on iTunes and DVD.

So to sum up everything:

1. Watch the 2005 reboot, all of which are avaliable on iTunes and mostly avaliable on Netflix Instant Streaming
2. If you are interested in watching Torchwood, watch series 1 after Doctor Who series 2 and series 2 after Doctor Who series 3. Children of Earth can be watched at any time after that.
3. If you wish to watch The Sarah Jane Adventures, watch it after her episode in Doctor Who

If you really get into the show, there are books, radio plays, comic books, and a lot of old episodes you can try out. I am not going to try to explain all of those though. If you really enjoy Doctor Who enough to get into that, there are other places on the internet to help you out. This is really just a beginners guide, so go watch some Doctor Who and have some fun.

After getting livestream workign properly we have several choices for I Don’t Even this week that we’ll talk about in the IRC, so join in and we’ll stream something or other.

Tune in at 10 Eastern/9 Central

Chat either in the Flash IRC or join us in your own client one irc.esper.net in channel #InsertDisc

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Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time is perhaps the best video game movie released to date. Unfortunately, the standards for video game movies are quite a bit lower than other movies.

Jake Gyllenhaal plays Dastan, a street urchin adopted as a third son by the Persian king. Dastan has very little character development and the little he has follows generic action-movie lines. He is the “lovable rogue” who wisecracks and always manages to get out of rough situations alive. Gyllenhaal does a good job of playing Dastan, but the character has no depth. He starts out a cool action guy who’s wild and reckless and is not morally driven enough to argue with his superiors and at the end he is a cool action guy who’s wild and reckless.

His banter with the other lead character, Princess Tamina is, for the most part, funny. Princess Tamina is the love interest and also an incredibly flat character. They have a good banter to their petty bickering through the first half of the movie, but when they start becoming closer they stop bickering as much and become less interesting. Their relationship is amusing, but it is never even remotely believable.

In addition the villain is obvious from the beginning of the movie, and is essentially a walking cliché. Sheik Amar and his bodyguard Seso add more comic relief and a few good action scenes, but none of the characters are particularly strong. Still, between the Shiek and Dastan and Tamina’s banter, the movie has a good amount of humor that keeps things going through its clichéstorm of a plot.

The plot revolves around a magic Dagger of Time that allows the wielder to travel backwards in time a certain amount of time if certain mystical sand is inside of its hilt. Because of a significant change from the game, the Dagger of Time gets very little use, and its obvious combat advantages are ignored, which is rather disappointing. There is almost no sand of time throughout the movie, meaning the only part of the movie that wasn’t a cliché was wasted.

The movie also relies too much on “bullet time” for whenever a main character does something particularly “cool.” This quickly becomes annoying, especially when combined with the hard-to-follow action scenes that move a little too fast. However, the scenes of acrobatics and parkour are fun to watch.

Despite all of these problems, Prince of Persia is a fun movie. Seeing Dastan do fancy acrobatics around rooftops and the silly banter make up for the lack of depth. It’s a fun, “turn your brain off” movie. If you’re a fan of the game who doesn’t mind massive changes from the source material, or just feel like a dumb action movie with some good humor, it’s worth giving a shot. . I only played 2 hours of Prince of Persia, so I didn’t mind or notice many of the changes, but from what I’ve seen, a lot of serious fans of the game were upset by the movie.

Like much manga of its time, modern opinions on it are very mixed. Many readers just cannot get into the older artwork or dated plot. I guess I am just a science fiction traditionalist; despite being born in 1991, most of my SF reading is from the pages of 50s-70s issues of Analog, Galaxy, and Amazing Stories or even the earlier work of Jules Verne and HG Wells. Reading To Terra doesn’t feel at all like a step backwards for me since it fits in with my standard reading material. To Terra may have visual tropes reminiscent of Buck Rodgers and the like, there is no campiness to found in these pages. To Terra boldly tackles new concepts that by now have become overly-familiar concepts to SF fans.

The telepathic powers of the Mu will bring to mind images of The Force. However, I am more interested in its comparison to the Newtypes of Mobile Suit Gundam than the jedi of Star Wars. In Gundam, the people of earth were slowly beginning to obtain heightened mental ability due to adaptive evolution from space expansion. Char Aznable sees this as a necessary improvement for the human race and wages war against earth to force the earth dwellers to go out to space. To Terra is practically a reverse approach. The humans are bred on distant planets before returning to earth. The Mu are weeded out of society by the mother computer; those that escape drift through space hoping to one day be able to reach Terra. It could almost be read as Takemiya’s response to Char Aznable, but Gundam began airing a couple years after the debut of To Terra. I found the comparison between their perspectives interesting though.

To Terra is heavily steeped in social commentary and ambitiously explores a myriad of social themes that are both cautionary of the future and parallel of the present. Environmentalism, social classes, natural birth- To Terra presents effective use of social science fiction beings used to propel a story without becoming just a vehicle for the author’s commentary. Takemiy’s shoujo background is clearly evident; this shounen manga incorporates qualities associated with shoujo to create a story with a wide appeal without pandering to either demographic… mostly. It is interesting that it has debatable BL undertones that give it a strong similarity to the shounen of today.

The artwork of To Terra seamlessly blends a shoujo character design aesthetic with impressive technical and space detail. The style parallels the story as the expressive character designs match the character-based focus, but without the technical details being overlooked. Throughout the series there would be full pages depicting stars and ships against the blackness of space. These scenes were made from white on top of page of black. These ink-heavy scenes helped balance out the usual lightness. The earth city gave off a Metropolis vibe, which doesn’t hurt at all. The character designs have that “70s manga look” which some readers find very unappealing. While To Terra won’t change your mind, its beautifully drawn and will find fans of those who can appreciate it. I found the characters to be more consistently rendered and reasonably proportioned than a lot of older manga series. The writing is smooth and obtains a poetic feel that is completely appropriate for the space opera genre. There a few minor hiccups in the plot where the details are a bit fuzzy, but it stays consistent for the most part.

Despite a hodgepodge of themes and elements, To Terra never wavers in its focus. It is a smooth journey up to its grand finale that serves as a satisfyingly grandiose climax. To Terra is a manga classic that has aged well and remains captivating in 2010.

We’re baaaaaack. This is now going to be a podcast released on Fridays, even though today is Saturday. I was just late with this one. We’re kind of rusty having been over a month since we last recorded, but here we are. We talk about some vidja games we’ve been playing, the end of Heroes and some other TV shows, and Silent Night, Deadly Night 2.

Here is the video we mention in the podcast. If you can acquire this movie we would be most grateful:

1.The Villain Has Less Depth Than Boris Badenov

The villain is all but giggling as he kills children and destroys homes, the villain hates blue people because they’re stupid and don’t appreciate humans invading their territory, the villain is not an actual character. He is a plot device. He exists for the audience to hate him. He has no real given motivation for his action (I GAWT THESE SCARS WHEN I INVADED THE NAVEE’S HOMEZ) and is so one-dimensional that he makes Boris Badenov from Rocky and Bullwinkle look like a well-developed character.

The villain is also incredibly bad-ass to incredibly goofy degrees. He doesn’t let problems like a lack of breathable air or being on fire stop him from killing blue people; he’s still gonna over-dramatically kick doors open and start shooting. This is why he is the only likable character in the movie, he’s the only one who seems to realize he’s in a crappy movie and he just rolls with it.

He’s so insultingly simplistic that I love him and consider him to be the true hero of the movie.

Also he makes really obvious political references that are several years old now (SHAWK AND AWE!).

2. I PLAY GOLF

Speaking of insultingly simplistic, there is the other villain who is less awesome: THE BIG CORPORATION CORPORATION INCORPORATED®. THE BIG CORPORATION CORPORATION INCORPORATED® wants the unobtanium because it does magic things that can be useful for making big ships and cool guns. The representative of THE BIG CORPORATION CORPORATION INCORPORATED® is as stereotypical as you can get, he’s even playing golf on the ship. That’s how creative they were with their characterization.

See, in Avatar, you, the viewer, cannot be trusted to figure out anything beyond the most basic of concepts. This is why every single character is completely flat and fits in nicely with familiar stereotypes. Can’t expect the billions of dollars to come in if the audience has to stop looking at the shiny stuff for a second to pay attention to characters.

3.Hi, I’m an idiotic douchebag, I’ll be your protagonist this evening.

I think James Cameron assumed that if he put someone in a wheelchair he could make them a douche and they’d still be likable. Sully is not remotely likable. He arrives on the planet, is a smartass for a while (and not a likable one) and then gets into the avatar. Once in the avatar he instantly can do everything, including walk in it. This would have been a good opportunity to make us warm up to Sully and grow to like him as a person by showing his struggle to relearn how to walk and the joy that comes from having full use of a body, even if it is not his own. Instead Avatar has him instantly be perfect at it, like most of what he does.

Upon controlling the avatar, Sully becomes an even bigger douchebag as he jumps around like a moron and destroys equipment as scientists and other avatars tell him to stop being a moron and let them run some tests. He then runs outside and just skips around like an idiot. This is because Sully is one of the dumbest protagonists of all time. Apparently he was not a very good marine, I know several marines and they know to follow basic orders like “don’t run around like a moron, we need to run some tests on your body.” Apparently the standards have laxed in the future.

If you told a marine to stay with the group because the entire planet is basically a deathtrap, they would not walk off to look at mushrooms and then get lost. Also in the future cellphones and tracking devices no longer exist because they can’t seem to find Sully’s avatar at all. Even though his body is beaming his brain signals to the avatar. Please note that these avatars cost millions of dollars and yet they have not put the most basic of tracking devices on them. My dog could be found more easily than the extremely expensive avatar.

Back on subject though, Sully does stupid things and gets into further stupid adventures until he meets Love Interest. Love Interest is the daughter of the chief and next in line to be the medicince-man. Pocahontas Love Interest trains him to be a Na’vi and after some goofy screw-ups he soon becomes better than every real Na’vi ever. Through these hours of training montages, we see that Sully grows from a douchebag in a wheelchair to a douchebag who now has working legs and wants to keep them. He’s pretty much a complete dick to everyone for the entire movie.

You see, no actual thought was put into Sully’s character besides “wise-cracking protagonist who goes native.” He doesn’t actually have a personality or any development. He merely exists. Exists and annoys.

4.Sully is better than everyone because of reasons

After Sully gets the hangs of things in his avatar body, he goes on to become better than every actual Na’vi at just about everything. All this takes is a few montage scenes, and it doesn’t ever feel like he worked at this. Because he’s the protagonist, he gets to be super-cool and succeed without any real effort. You would think he would struggle with various Na’vi customs and ridiculous feats of athletic ability, but despite being a crippled human, he can do everything the Na’vi can, only better. He has slight struggles at the beginning, but after only three months of training, the cripple is now the best blue person who ever lived.

5.The world really isn’t that interesting

Now that I’ve actually seen Avatar, those idiots who wanted to commit suicide to be reincarnated on Pandora seem even dumber. Pandora is a jungle with more blue. There are some more phosphorous plants and big trees, but it’s not all that different from a jungle at earth. All of the creatures are basically like a [insert animal here], but with 6 legs. Also, I find it rather odd that all but one species on the planet has 6+ limbs. The USB hair would be cool if they had actually done something with it. They plug into animals at the beginning, but it didn’t really mean anything. Also they use their USB hair in sex, so bestiality is apparently quite common on Pandora.

6.Giant Dragons Make Everything Better

Imagine your significant other told you they were actually there as a spy and getting close to you was part of their mission. This cliche’ is quite common, but generally it doesn’t also come along with an entire peoples’ home being destroyed. In the real world, when something like this happens, riding a giant dragon doesn’t count as an apology. Love Interest is happy to leave Sully for dead after he reveals that he was there to learn their ways just so they can be more easily conquered. Then he decides to go jump on the different colored dragon and the movie cuts away so they don’t have to show him actually struggling to capture the thing that is supposedly really hard to control. He then rides the dragon into the midst of the Na’vi and they all love him again. Because he has a sweet dragon.

7.AND THEN GOD FIXED EVERYTHING

Deus ex Machina endings are bad enough, but when it’s worse than that, when it’s literally just God fixing everything, there’s a problem. The vague Na’vi god decides that after half the Na’vi were dead it is time to make all of the animals attack the nasty humans. They don’t ever attack the Na’vi, just the humans and the day is saved by the birds and dogs. This is the actual ending. God fixing everything. Also known as the laziest possible ending.

Also during this final battle there is one human helicopter fighting on the side of the Na’vi, she is identified by the war paint on the chopper. For some reason none of the humans noticed this really obvious hint that she might have betrayed them and don’t attack her until she attacks them, which is towards the end of the battle.

8.Cruel Na’vi’s Thesis

The final mech vs. Sully battle was incredibly stupid. After jumping onto a mech while on fire, Villain starts a big fight against Sully. This mech has an Evangelion-style comically large knife. Which they use in their not very interesting final battle. While this whole battle is uninteresting, I find the large knife so stupid its worth mentioning. It’s exactly like in Evangelion, just a knife that he pulls from the back of his armor. Also Villain looks really plastic during this final battle.

9. Unobtanium

I liked unobtanium when it was called upsidaisium in a Rocky and Bullwinkle storyline. In Avatar, a movie that takes itself seirously, it’s just idiotic. Since it has become the future equivilent of oil, they would probably have a name for it by the time the movie takes place. Also, if they need unobtanium so badly, why not just mine it from the floating mountains? Given that they are floating, I’m guessing they have a pretty good amount of unobtanium inside. Wouldn’t that be easier than going at war with the locals over their holy lands? Oh wait, I get it, Iraq.

I see what they did there.

In conclusion…

I could rant about Avatar for a lot longer than this, but I need to keep this at readable length. Avatar is a mess of a plot with no actual characters. The movie doesn’t even try to make you care about anyone and the situations are so clumsily set-up that you can’t really care about anything. The only real reason to like this movie is for special effects. If you like eyecandy, I can understand enjoying Avatar. The movie is very pretty and they did a really good job with how the Na’vi look. The problem is that good CGI does not a good movie make. I think once people start watching the movie again on DVD and Bluray not on a giant screen they’ll start realizing that the only good part was the special effects which are much less impressive in your home.

This is a Stallone movie from 1986, that’s pretty much all you need to know. That and that Crime is the disease. Meet the Cure.

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Here, have some LOST Bingo cards two hours before the finale.

IT’S GARBAGE DAY PEOPLE!

This week on I Don’t Even we are watching Silent Night, Deadly Night 2 the riveting sequel to that first movie where people dressed up as Santa and horribly murdered people. The murder-spree continues in this sequel that reuses footage from the first movie. FUN FACT: Originally they were supposed to make the movie entirely from footage from the first one, but the director insisted on actually filming things. What a buzzkill.

Tune in at 10 Eastern/ 9 Central for some Garbage Day goodness.

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